Polyamory Day!

Today is Polyamory Day! It’s not something I’ve spoken of openly on social media platforms, but I’d like to today. My history: I was always in monogamous relationships and expressed my desire to be open to more than a handful of people I was dating. I have a huge heart and the concept of loving more than one person at the same time has never been an issue for me. When I expressed this desire in my intimate romantic relationships, my partners always said “I can’t do that. I’m too jealous,” or “I’m not good at sharing.” (This tends to be the stock response from most other people when I bring it up too). Most of those people cheated on me. Almost all of them. Both of my marriages ultimately ended because of infidelity on their part. They were good at sharing, but just sharing themselves, not sharing me, as if I was their possession. The betrayal caused a lot of hurt and trauma for me. Monogamy started to look like possessiveness but it was not a two way street. The fact of the matter is, no one wants to feel like someone else owns them. It’s nice to feel like someone loves you and you are enough. Relationships and connections should feel free like that. But no partner should ever place the burden on themselves of trying to be EVERYTHING for someone else. In monogamy, we tend to rely on friends and family members for needs we have that our romantic partner cannot fulfill. And that’s great. That is healthy. But what about romantic relationship things you are not getting from your partner? If they can’t fulfill your needs, do you expect more of them? Do you expect them to do things outside of their boundaries or comfort to accommodate your needs? Do you abandon them? Would you go so far as to step outside the relationship to receive and fill those desires, and just hope they don’t find out?

I made the choice to explore polyamory after separating from my ex husband. Toward the end of our marriage, I told him my needs were not being met and I don’t think his were either and I felt like it was time to move on. We weren’t connecting physically or emotionally. I told him I was needing more because I’m bisexual and have always felt polyamorous, so I was feeling like there was a whole unexpressed side of myself that was dying to come out. I didn’t truly know the real me. Then I found out from someone else about infidelity on his part that he hid from me for almost 7 years. I felt like I didn’t know the real him either. That seemed like confirmation that it was time for us to move on. It didn’t seem like something we could work through in therapy because he prefers monogamy, so it felt like a deal breaker. Neither of us felt safe expressing our needs to each other. But moving on from it, I found that it was as if the universe placed a handful of people like me in my direct path. People who are bi/pansexual and/or prefer polyamorous romantic options. It was difficult to navigate at first. What are the rules? How do I deal with old monogamous habits or patterns of thinking? It was all about breaking through my own conditioning and doing what is right for me. It’s about putting my desires, needs, and happiness in a place of priority and finding people who I felt safe with to express myself and be the real me for the first time in 42 years. It was a new exploration of how society is hetero and mono normative. I’ve been judged and questioned by friends. I’m still new at this and navigating how I need it to work for me.

At the end of the day, I explain it to people as such: Just as you can have many friends or multiple children, you can have multiple lovers. I love and adore my friends individually, though they are different people who I connect with for a lot of different reasons. There’s some overlap in our common interests, connections, and what they bring to the table but I love them each indivdually for who they are and what we share. I don’t mind that they have other friends that share different interests. Sometimes it’s a relief that they can find someone who shares an interest of theirs that I’m not into. I’m not usually jealous of their other friends. In fact, the more they love their friends, the better of a person I see them to be. Love amplifies love. And if they’re happy, I’m happy. If they’re having fun with another group of friends without me, I’ll make plans with another friend, a partner, or spend time by myself. They all contribute to my life in beautiful ways and I’m grateful. I love them differently, but pretty much the same amount. There may be a hierarchy of connections I have and I may prioritize one friend (like a best friend) and spend more time with them. But it doesn’t take away from other friendships to do so. I don’t feel like I’m “not enough” because I know they don’t rely on me to fulifill every need they have. I honor their need to receive different experiences from people that aren’t me. Now, go back and read that, but replace the word friend with the word partner or lover. I’ll wait.

In a polyamorous relationship matrix (polycule), there are countless different ways of doing things. There aren’t really “rules” aside from just being ethical, honest, and transparent with your partners. If you are coupled, you get to write the rules and boundaries of how you want things to be. There’s a lot of communication and compromise to make that happen. Not all polyamorous relationships look the same. Some can outwardly present as mostly monogamous, and some can have a different structure like a triad (three people who are all in a relationship together). I understand that this is confusing to some who aren’t accustomed to this type of exploration or freedom in relationships. It’s even confusing to navigate when you are! But I’ve found that this lifestyle supports healthy communication and boundaries. It supports creating a fully safe space for your partner to express their desires and needs, when they are being met and when they are not. It supports trust.

If I’m being fully transparent here, I’ll say that I am in one relationship that I consider my anchor partner. When we compare to friendships, this is my “best friend.” I tend to prioritize and spend more time with this person because we have been building our connection for quite some time. We started out as just friends and our connection grew to point where we decided it was a relationship and that’s what we both wanted. We have set a solid foundation of communication and transparency, and it’s not perfect every day. But we are still working on it every day. We love each other deeply and want to spend a lot of time together because he actually is a best friend. We have earned each other’s respect and trust and can just relax and love the shit out of each other without fear of abandonment. It has taken a lot of work to build this together. And I respect that, so we prioritize each other. I have another person I’ve been with longer, but only see once a week or so. That person has a nesting partner (they cohabitate), but he is my adventure/travel and music partner. My two partners have met and hung out. I have yet to meet my partners’ other partners. In one scenario, I’m open to it and in one, their partner is not open to it. My partners know about each other, accept each other and everyone is cool about it. It’s up to those individuals to let me know how much they are comfortable with me sharing about the other. In our situation, they might be into a shared experience between us all some time, if the mood ever strikes. That feels amazing. It’s like when you know two of your good friends will get along so you all hang out and end up having the time of your life. Everyone is there for each other’s happiness. And it’s fucking beautiful! But that’s our polycule, not everyone’s. There are many expressions and ways it can go but it is very specific to the individuals within.

Is this easy? No. In some ways, it can be more difficult than monogamy. Scheduling is difficult. Prioritizing is difficult. We are open to more partners joining our matrix, but when scheduling becomes an issue and people begin feeling like an option only when others are unavailable, sometimes you just reach a point of “polysaturation” and it’s best to not add anyone else into the mix. Transparency can feel uncomfortable. People always ask “how do you not get jealous?” Sometimes, I do. And that’s ok. But I have to ask back “what do you do with jealousy in a mongamous partnership?” Most don’t really know how to answer. I have to do shadow work and figure out why I’m jealous. Is it my own insecurity, fear of abandonment/rejection, old conditioning, or has my partner given me a reason to feel like they may leave me or I am “not enough” or “not a priority?” Either way, it’s ultimately on me to navigate that, with whatever support I feel I need from my partner. If I have an anxious attachment style, I express to my partner that I may need more reassurance as they explore other connections. It feels safer if they check in and reassure that I’m still loved and they’re not going to leave me. I’ve intuited that when I’m with another, my partner needs me to keep the lines of communication open so they don’t feel abandoned.

It’s a lot of work. But it’s worth it for me. I get that it isn’t for everyone. I respect that. But it has helped me learn what it really does take to create secure attachment in an intimate relationship. It has taught me so much about honesty, vulnerability, boundaries, respect, communication, and trust. And I’ve really only been exploring this for about 6 months. I have what finally feels like healthy relationships. I have lots of love. I’m reminded by multiple people daily of exactly how loved and cherished I am and that I am enough. I am worthy of love and very good at giving it. My desires and needs are valid and feel supported. I have a larger support system. It isn’t without challenges but those challenges are not volatile and they are proving essential for my growth! It’s not perfect but after many awful relationships that left me empty, sad, lonely, cheated on, and emotionally abandoned, I am happy. And that sets the tone for everything else in my life. My depression and anxiety have lessened greatly. My life is much richer and I am so grateful to have followed my heart to this place. I know myself much more deeply now and will continue getting to know and love the me I’ve always wanted to be. Some days, I do still wonder if it’s really for me. I still get discouraged from time to time. I still feel like I’m not enough and I just wanna give up on it all. But so far, the good outweighs the bad and I’m going to keep trying and learning and growing.

Happy Polyamory Day!! And a big heap of gratitude to all of my polyamorous friends who continue to teach me and guide me through it all. You have been my lighthouse and I love you. Cheers to learning, growing, and healthy self expression!

Becoming Ragnarian

I may be rehabbin’ some janky body problems, but I’m headed off to my first ever trail relay this weekend, and I’m feeling lots of things. Before you lecture me, I am very aware of my body and how to listen to it, so I will be arriving with little to no expectation. I might not finish, but I WILL be showing up. I was not a runner when Ashley Moore asked if anyone would like to join her team and run a Ragnar. I didn’t even know what it was. Had to Google it. I read that it was a trail running relay that had you camping out, running through the woods at night, and for some reason, I decided to try something new! Why, you might ask?? I wanted to be challenged. I had stuck to my fitness goals for a year and was proud of the shape I was in and I guess I just thought maybe I was up for it. I saw who else was signing up too, and was delighted that I would be in such fantastic company and maybe make new friends. I know that lack of consistency and discipline are the reasons I have “failed” at just about everything in my life. I have just begun to implement those things and I wanted to keep myself accountable and work towards a goal that has nothing to do with weight loss or perceived aesthetic value. Any time I’ve ever worked toward a fitness goal, it was only to get to a certain size or look. Then, I wasnt quite sure where to go from there if I ever even got close. It resulted in disordered eating, body dysmorphia, obsessive calorie and macro tracking, weight cycling, hormone imbalances, adrenal fatigue, chronic pain, etc. I was a slave to what I wanted my body to look like and it hit a point where it just wasn’t happening no matter what I did. So, I found intuitive eating and just committed to health as a daily practice. I began to ask myself if things were nourishing to my body, mind, or soul. I knew that training for a race would be nourishing, but I didn’t know how hard it would be. People shat all over my decision to run. I had no idea that would happen. I was told I would get hurt, that running was bad for my body, etc. So, I made sure I learned how to properly warm up and recover and had not trouble at all. Then, I got lazy with my warm ups and recovery and started experiencing my current issues. I fully admit that it was my fault, but I’m treating myself right and hoping for the best! Our team has fallen apart due to injury, illness, car accidents, and life in general and half of us have been replaced going into race weekend. Of the original half that remain, three are recovering from injury, and one is kicking ass after having recovered from pneumonia! The journey has not been linear, nor has it been easy. I began in August of last year at somewhere around a 17 minute mile. I kept running through October, took Novemey and December off, then picked back up in January. I got my mile pace under 11 minutes. I’ve run as far as 8 miles at once. I’ve done things I never thought possible for me.
So, I want to do it again. I’m not at the place where I’ve been running long enough for it to just be a joyous habit. I quite like to be training for a specific goal because, to be quite honest, I don’t love every run. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to. I do know that I’ve convinced my husband to train with me and build a team for the upcoming Ragnar in SC in October. Why not?! I’ve really come a long way, and even though I might not be ready to complete this one, I’m showing up! Not so shabby for someone who isn’t a runner! OK, I guess I am now. And I want to stay one. And my hubby knows from his experience on trails and camping as an Eagle Scout, and from watching my journey, how much he would love this too. So, we are going for it together. For health. For our relationship. For self love and care. And so our kids see healthy habits being modeled. Is it worth a little pain? Hell yes. I’m grateful I took the step.

Sprouted Bread Recipe

Just posting this recipe here since I’m working on getting a new website up in the next couple months. I know this doesn’t fit the content profile of this blog, but I’ll transfer once it’s possible.

That being said, many people expressed interest in this recipe via social media, so I wanted to write it. I followed a recipe for Trim Healthy Mama sprouted bread, but the first batch was just not what I wanted it to be. So, I modified. I made mine with the help of a bread machine, but you could use a stand mixer with dough hook, or just knead it the old fashioned way. I’m not bougie or anything, y’all I got this bread machine at Goodwill for $7 and some change, which is a little more than the cost of a loaf of sprouted grain bread at a health food store! I was sick of how much shit they put in commercial bread and how expensive it is to be so unflavorful! Just couldn’t find a bread I loved, for me (health nut bread), or for my family (normal people bread). So decided to make the damn bread myself! Then, my bread machine sat in my cabinet for probably over a year. Maybe longer, who knows?

Anyway, I finally did it. And I don’t think I ever want to go back. Now, this doesn’t require a bread machine for anything but the kneading part. After that, you can keep using the bread machine (I tried one on the express setting, and it worked decently well), or you can use loaf pans or muffin pans, like I did. The recipe for the dough makes two loaves, so I decided to go for dinner rolls and a loaf and they were both bangin!

Ingredients

• 2 cups water
• 1 tbsp honey
• 1.5 tsp active dry yeast
• 4⅔ c organic sprouted whole grain flour (I use 3 cups sprouted spelt + 1⅔ cups sprouted wheat)
• 2 tsp salt
• 2 tbsp butter
• Add ins (optional). I used about 1/4 all together of hemp hearts, chia seeds, and ground flax meal. You could also use oats, millet, pumpkin seeds, sesame seeds, etc.
• Toppings. Mine were hemp, chia, and homemade everything bagel seasoning! Highly recommend!

Instructions

1. Open your heart, clear your energy. Sounds hokey, but baking requires patience, good energy, and love. No one has ever heard of angry baking, right?
2. Put water, honey, and yeast into a 2 lb. capacity bread machine pan. For best results, use barely warm (not hot!) water to help soften the yeast and encourage rising. Let sit for 5-10 min.
3. Measure flour and salt and add to the pan. Add whatever add-ins you’d like. Cut your butter into 8 small cubes and distribute them evenly over the top of the flour.
4. Set the machine to the dough cycle and let it do its work. In the first few minutes, you will want to check the mixture and scrape down the sides of the pan with a rubber spatula, if needed. Add a bit of water (1tbsp at a time) if the dough is not very moist – it should be a slightly sticky dough, but still able to form a ball.
5. When the dough cycle is complete, dump the dough out onto an oiled/buttered counter and press out all the air with your oiled hands. Divide the dough into two equal-sized lumps, form them into a tight ball, then a loaf shape. Put them in loaf pans and/or muffin pans and let them rise in a warm, draft-free place for 30 minutes (or until roughly doubled in size; this will take longer in cooler climates).Then sprinkle whatever toppings you have on top.
6. Bake in a pre-heated oven at 350 for 30 min. Remove the bread from the pans and set to cool on a cooling rack, lightly buttering the tops to soften the crust (optional).

A Nutritional Therapist’s Perfect Workout Recovery Meal

Post workout foods matter! If you’re working out or running, the recovery phase is a cruical but often missed step in a workout plan. Our bodies need to recover properly to prevent fatigue and energy depletion after physical exertion. My preferred post workout food is avocado toast with a grass fed whey protein shake, with a side of electrolyte water. Here’s why…

Protein: Most folks know that protein contains amino acids, which are the building blocks of muscle. In addition, whey protein produces an insulin spike after exercise, encouraging muscles to absorb glucose and replenish energy stores, all while naturally occurring lactoferrin gives your immune system a boost. The best part? Research shows that people who supplement with whey burn nearly twice as much body fat as those who don’t. I also love adding organic, hard-boiled eggs to my toast for an extra protein boost. Super easy part of weekly meal prep is just to boil, peel, and slice the eggs ahead of time and cover your toast once you put on the avocado and seasonings. Yum! As a bonus, on some days, I take a protein shake that also contains immune and brain superfoods like cacao and mushroom powder blends, probiotics, and adaptogenic herbs for hormone balance. It is super anti-inflammatory and anti-stress perfection.

The toast: YOUR BOD NEEDS CARBS!! But make sure the carbohydrates you choose are the right ones. And yes, this even applies to diabetics. I’ve had many diabetic clients who lose tons of weight, and even go off their diabetes and blood pressure meds without giving up carbs. That being said, I like seeded and sprouted breads for many reasons, but the short version is that they are a powerhouse of nutritional goodness! They’re high in protein, essential fatty acids, B vitamins, magnesium and a smorgasboard of other vitamins, minerals and phytochemicals.

Avocado: Don’t be afraid of good fats. In addition to healthy fats, which are crucial for absorbing vitamins A and E, avocado contains B vitamins that help your body metabolize all of those healthy carbs and proteins you’ve been packing away. To top it off, studies show that avocado may even reduce the risk of prostate cancer, too . . . as if you need another reason to love it! Oh yeah, and these types of fats help you burn the visceral belly fat that surrounds and puts strain your vital organs. Winning.

Add-Ins: There’s really not much of a limit to what you can put on avo toast as toppings. I love fresh squeezed lime juice, sea salt, and fat burning spices like cayenne pepper. Microgreens are an amazing choice for a nutrient extravaganza! I often add nori flakes which pack a punch with iodine, magnesium, calcium, sodium, iron and folic acid, as well as dietary fiber, zinc, copper, and selenium. You could also try nutritional yeast, which gives an extra cheesy flavor and boatloads of B12! In the photo, you’ll see my homemade Everything Bagel Seasoning, which is just delicious and contains nutrient rich sesame seeds.

Electrolyte water: Electrolytes are minerals that dissolve in water and carry an electrical charge. Your kidneys have transporters to regulate the concentration of each of these electrolytes in your blood. Since the body is mostly made up of water, electrolytes are found everywhere in the body – inside the cells, in the spaces between cells, in the blood, in lymph glands and everywhere else. When you sweat, you lose fluids and electrolytes. It’s important to return the body to it’s natural state of hydration by replenishment of the water and the electrolytes (like potassium, sodium, calcium, and more). So, it’s like getting an IV bag after you’ve been dehydrated, just on a smaller scale. Gotta replenish for proper body and brain function.

Nutrients (macro and micro) are so needed for proper recovery!! This is just my take from a Nutritional Therapist’s perspective. But, avocado toast is such an amazing comfort food that just thinking about it being your recovery meal might help you run faster because you’ll be so excited to get home and chow down! Plus, your muscles and brain and nervous system will thank you the next day. With proper recovery, you’ll see much faster gains and hit those goals a lot faster!

Mandy Bloom,
Nutritional Therapy Practitioner and
Culinary Nutrition Chef

7 Things You Can Do To Help A Suicidal or Depressed Friend or Family Member

If I were to retrace my steps, the suicidal thoughts and tendencies began for me when I was around 14. I remember writing down my feelings at the time on a sheet of notebook paper and sliding into a drawer, embarrassed and ashamed. The shame grew exponentially when I found the paper in my mom’s purse later. She knew. But she hadn’t asked me about it. She was probably terrified and had asked friends or doctors. So that meant other people knew my secret too. That initial feeling of being a human oddity and feeling like everyone was silently judging behind your back was enough to want to feel suicidal all over again. Eventually, I would become very well acquainted with this cycle of thoughts. Thoughts of pain being invisible, unbearable, and inescapable. Thoughts of not being able to speak about the pain. Thoughts of never being understood and desperately wanting relief, release, and escape. So, I took to writing, as I am still doing here and now, some 25 years later.

I’ve been fighting a monster for 25 years. This monster isn’t tangible, like a tumor that can be removed. I may not seem outwardly as if I’m physically ill, but some days, I struggle to make it off of my couch because of the physical pain and exhaustion I experience. I have other conditions that exacerbate this one, as if poking the bear in the zoo. I suffer from hormonal and reproductive disorders, as well as unidentified chronic pain. I’m tired. I’m useless. I have trouble keeping jobs because schedules become too demanding. The one that is the most demanding is that I’m also a mother of two sweet angels. My son is pretty low maintenance. Always well behaved, and an indoor gamer kinda kid. My daughter is equal parts sweetie pie and what we joke and call “feral.” She is wild just like I was and needs a lot of stimulating and often physical activity. I’m afraid these kids need more than I can give them. At the time of writing, I’m unemployed, which does not suit me well. What they say about idle minds is absolutely true for me. But, I am also with my daughter 24/7. Literally all day, every day. I have no escape. Some days, I feel like a prisoner in my own home, trapped in a mind that has been hijacked by darkness. I am suicidal mostly every day during these phases. My friends, it is not good. I love my children more than anything in the world, and the only thing that keeps me alive in times like this is their smiling faces and sweet hugs. But, there’s an ugly side of this that I don’t see many others speaking of. When I feel the darkness set in, I feel trapped in a suicidal existence where I don’t want to be here and feel like a burden on everyone around me. But, I could never leave my children motherless. I would never want to leave my family and friends grieving. So, I feel stuck here in purgatory, unable to enjoy life and provide enjoyment to others.

So, why am I writing, other than the obvious catharsis and therapy? Because I know I’m not the only one dealing with this. I have spoken with friends who have what I’d call daily passive suicidal thoughts. It’s pretty much always there. It’s not that we are actively thinking of morbid ways to off ourselves every day. It’s not even about killing one’s self at all. It’s about constantly wishing the universe will take care of it for you. See, there’s a stigma with suicide. People don’t die by suicide alone, but by the pain that the suicide helps them escape. Unfortunately, you can’t just keep over and die of depression. The depression kills your soul, but the rest of you must go on. But, other, more outwardly “sick” diseases like cancer can definitely kill you. Our passive suicidal thoughts include wishing we had cancer or some other visibly obvious terminal illness instead. Our kind don’t get meal trains, care baskets, or friends sitting with us while we are infused with life saving drugs. Those drugs may make all of our hair fall out, but maybe then someone would believe that I’m terminally ill. People are allowed to say they are dying of cancer, not that they’re dying of depression. Some days, people like me wish to be sick in that way. Because, hell, if I’m gonna be sick and in excruciating pain, crying on my living room floor, I at least want other people to be able to see it and acknowledge it. I want others to understand. I want to be able to call in sick to a job when I need a mental health day, and have that be taken seriously. But, when people look at me, they don’t see someone who is so sick they are barely clinging to life. They don’t see me on the days when I haven’t washed my hair or cleaned my house because I’m in pain. They don’t see me on the days where I can’t handle the stress and I physically hit myself or run my head into a wall. They don’t see me on days when I can’t walk and have to use a cane to get from the bed to the couch in the morning.

So, what happens for the friends and family of someone who lives this type of existence? To be honest, when I see it happening to my friends, I wonder how their partners deal with it. My partner works 12 hour days, so he is barely at home, and when he is, I’m not even sure he knows what to do. So, I’m not a therapist, but here are my suggestions from inside the deep, dark, abyss:

1. Sit with them. If they are responsive to (or ok with) being touched or held, do that. It can help release oxytocin, the love hormone, which can make them feel better. But, not everyone wants to be touched or held in this state, and in fact, each day or instance can be different. Have no expectation. Just be there. Let them lead. Ask if you can hug them or hold their hand, and if not, just keep them company. Just listen.
2. ‎Dont ask them what’s wrong. They might not be able to tell you. Don’t ask what you can do to help. They might not know. When they are in the dark hole of despair, they cannot think straight. They don’t know what they want or need. Mostly, they just need someone to sit with them until they figure it out, or until the wave passes. Don’t try to fix things right away.
3. ‎When they seem happy and well adjusted and in an upswing, be there for them. This is a good time to say “Hey, just wondering if I can ask you some questions.” Chances are, this is the best time to gain some clarity on what they need when they slip away to the dark side. Everyone is different, so asking what their individual needs are is super important. Chances are, they can speak more objectively about their state of mind and needs when things get dark, rather than when they are in the thick of it. It’s also a really amazing feeling for someone to acknowledge your illness and feel like you’re cared for when it isn’t a time of crisis. If you only offer care and help in times of crisis, that’s ok, but we often don’t want it to get to that to feel loved and cared for. Making an emergency care plan can be a life saver!
4. ‎Make an emergency care box and emergency care plan. Short game and long game. People like us desperately need a lifeline. It is imperative that we have a break from life to process, cry it out, breathe, de-stress, meditate, or whatever it is we need to do to get the weight off of our chest and shoulders. Maybe your friend or family member had trouble taking care of his/herself. Make a healthy meal and bring it to them, no questions asked. Or bring them a gift card to a place where they can pick up a healthy dinner. I often resort to unhealthy options for myself and my kids because I can’t physically stand long enough to cook. Make them a box of self care items, complete with a checklist and stay until they check off all items. I recently received a box full of shower goodies from an understanding friend. It meant the world to me! And it made me remember to take care of myself. Sometimes, that’s all it takes. Asking your person or spending time with them when they’re in the throes of a really bad episode (even though they will fight you to keep you away sometimes) will help you to understand their behaviors and what they need. Some people need a warm bath, some need a journal. Some just need you to take their kids for an afternoon. Ask when they’re happy. Chances are, they’ve never been asked and they’ve never asked themselves.
5. ‎They can smell fear. Don’t be afraid of them. If they know you’re freaked out, they’ll feel like more of a burden and that’ll just make them want to check out even more. They need to know you care and are concerned, but that you’re not freaked out if they tell you morbid things that are going through their head. They need to have a safe person that they can say these things to with no judgement. If you’re that person for someone, please know that they are probably not actively seeking out this behavior. They are probably just finding creative ways to say they want to be saved from their pain. They want their pain to be removed, and not by their own accord. If you need to understand this, and how you can make it humorous, listen to “Big Ass Rock” from the musical The Full Monty. But seriously, the less of a burden they feel like, the better! Let them know you are there because you love them and you’d gladly take time out of your day to ensure their love and care. We feel like shitty people, even if we are saints. We just want to know there are people in the world who don’t see us this way. That gives us hope and hope makes us want to stick around.
6. ‎Go to the doctor with them. Tell the doctor you’re their person. Get to know their treatment plan. Come up with some backup plans and emergency care plans. Get a few of the doctor’s business cards, and keep them in your wallet, home, purse, car. That way, when your friend is having a crisis day, you can do everything in your power to implement the plans you have already discussed together, and if you truly believe your person is in danger of self harm, you can ask them if they’d like you to call their doctor. Sometimes, we won’t do it ourselves. Too much shame and it’s hard to communicate clearly. It’s nice to know that someone is there to help us speak when we can’t sort out reality from the lies our depression feeds us. Make sure your friend or family member updates their HIPAA forms to include you, if necessary. I include my husband and my mom on all communication and prescription because sometimes I know I’m incapable. Either way, it’s nice to know that you have a care team and a plan in place instead of just winging it.
7. ‎The distraction technique. Yes, the same used on toddlers and drunk people. Just talk about something. Start a damn conversation and don’t stop. Engage them. Ask them questions. Anything you can do to get their mind off of the darkness. Back to life, back to reality. Don’t get too real! No politics or religion. But also, not shitty small talk about the weather. Find some common ground like a TV show or food or friends. Just call them, and if they actually answer, TALK. I’m pretty sure this is the basic technique used by every suicide hotline or chat line I’ve ever used. They just get your mind off of the bad stuff and you can begin to breathe again. It works. My best friend has (probably unknowingly) used this one for our entire friendship!

I hope this helps. I honestly don’t know what to do for myself when I’m in this situation, but it has been happening more frequently to me because of my hormones. It’s much easier to tell people what I wish I had for care. When I’m depressed and suicidal, that’s not something that’s easy to tell friends. I often don’t answer texts, calls, or messages because I don’t know what to say. I’m beginning to let people know I’m having a crisis day and will get back with them as soon as the smoke clears. I feel a lot of guilt. I know I’m a shitty mother, a shitty daughter, a shitty wife, a shitty sister, a shitty friend. I beat myself up very hard for that more than anyone will ever know. It’s very hard for me to care for others when I need so much help myself. I keep thinking maybe once I’m not drowning or treading water, I’ll be able to take better care of my friends and family. But it’s been 25 years, and I’m still struggling. When you grow up with depression as a teenager, you think you’ll either be cured at some point, or one day you’ll snap and put yourself out of your misery. I honestly never thought I’d live to see age 40. But here we are. And I have no plan. I guess it’s great that I’m still alive but I feel lost in a world I never planned or expected to be a part of. I feel like I’ll always be picking up the pieces and playing catch up with all of the other normal people who had a plan and goals. Maybe that is the next step. Make some goals. Try and succeed. Maybe if I have a plan, I’ll get there. Maybe if I feel supported and know I have a team to fall back on, the darkness won’t stay so long. So, if you have a friend who is suicidal or even just depressed, talk to them. See how much of this you may be able to apply together. It could save a life.

Speaking of saving lives, I’m gonna drop the suicide talk line and text line here. I prefer text because sometimes it’s just too hard to vocalize your issues when you’re hysterically crying. Sometimes the words are too difficult to say but you’re thinking them. Texting is easier to do for me, and easier to hide behind, I guess. It’s just a preference though. But, please share both when you share.

National Suicide Hotline +18002738255
Crisis text line 741741

This Is Us/This Is Me

This is difficult to say, so bear with me. Watching TV shows isn’t something I do often, but like most people out there, I’ve been watching This Is Us. We all joke about crying at every episode, and I feel like I probably cry more than others who watch the show. Each episode, I find myself particularly emotional or flat out ugly crying when it comes to Kate’s storyline. I’d love to say I’m not sure why her storylines punch harder than the others, but that isn’t true. I know exactly why.

I have talked a little bit about my struggles with eating disorders, or at least I’ve mentioned it openly for years now. I guess I thought admitting it out loud would help me heal. But I’ve never actually talked about it to anyone other than my husband. Kate’s story resonates with me so much because I’ve been on both sides of it. I’ve been, and am now, on the thick side. I see myself as being pretty big and I’m stuck there at size 14 with nothing really working, despite some really hard efforts for the past three years. Before that, I had a very bad struggle with disordered eating, specifically severe anorexia. I was a size 4, which is not natural for someone of my five-foot-9, big boned structure and genetic predisposition. This last episode I watched (I’m behind, so no spoilers, please God!), there was something in Kate’s storyline that made me break down completely, shaking and audibly sobbing on my couch. I have always said I can’t go back to the disordered eating place because the self hatred it took to get there was beyond what most people could comprehend. But, the character is talking about the one time she got thin. She said that (and I’m paraphrasing here) she had always lived with a mean voice in her head that made her hate herself, and that she was more comfortable hating herself and didn’t know what to do when that voice wasn’t there. I started shaking, took a deep breath, then completely cracked. I started a heaving cry that I can’t even begin to describe, other than core shaken cry.

I am very familiar with that hate voice. My issues stem from body dysmorphia. I have no concept of what I really look like. I see something different than what is in the mirror or in photos. And even when I was a size 4 and skeletal, I hated myself and still thought I was fat. And I truly believed it. Not a whiny, “ugh I’m so fat” just to get people to say I’m not. I got lots of attention though, so I had a very false sense of confidence! Because deep down inside, that voice was still telling me I was disgusting.

So, fast forward to now. I’m uncomfortable in my body. It’s not me. But then again, I’m not sure who I actually am. Now, I don’t feel as big as I am. I’m surprised when I see photos of myself, then I want to crawl in a hole with a sandwich. The voice is still there, telling me I’m ugly, disgusting, not good enough, no one wants to see someone like me on a stage. A friend of mine recently asked me when the last time was that I felt good about myself or good in general. I couldn’t remember. I came up with maybe one scenario, but I realized that all of my self worth has always been tied to my weight and my aesthetic. Even at my happiest and healthiest physically, mentally I have always had that voice looming. I have always had an eating disorder as long as I can remember, probably as far back as age 14. I have always had severe body dysmorphia. I feel as though I have no sense of who I really am because of that damn voice. My issues aren’t about asking for attention. In fact, when I’m down on myself, the last thing I want is someone saying “Oh please, girl you look fabulous!” or “Oh my God that’s crazy talk, you’re gorgeous, inside and out.” That infuriates me like no one can even understand. No one is hearing me. I’ve never been heard. Everyone has always negated the way I legitimately feel in those moments. I haven’t found many who can talk openly enough about this dysmorphia issue for me to have a real conversation about it. I’ve mentioned my eating disorder and dysmorphia issues openly for a couple of years now. But, I’ve never actually talked about it. No one knows about me passing out or that every time I stood up I was so light headed I almost fell over. Head rush ever time I stood up. No one knows I was severely terrified of eating in front of others. No one knows about the messed up things I said to myself to keep myself from eating. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this because you just don’t talk about things of that sort. But it’s always there in my head. Especially now that I’m a health coach and nutrition chef. I talk about weight and health every day with my clients. I do the program along with them. I see their great results, and I’m not experiencing the same. And I get really depressed about that.

I just want to be happy. I want to love myself. I want to reduce the amount of pain and stress I feel daily. So, I think it’s time to talk about it and let it out. I am actively looking for treatment and support. I have yet to find a support group, but I think that might be just what I need. I need to talk with other people like me so I don’t feel insane! It’s a very isolating feeling. But writing is a solid outlet for a few minutes, so here we are. And sharing with an open heart is one of my strongest suits. So, I’m open to sharing. Because, chances are, there’s someone else going through similar.

I’m looking for a support group now, and if you’re also struggling and want join me, let me know. I’ll keep you posted!

This is us. This is me.

Meal Box Extravaganzaaaa!

I’ve been very open and sharing on social media about how I am trying many of the different meal box subscriptions. I got free or greatly discounted boxes either from friends sending referral links/codes or just for being a new customer. The whole 4-6 weeks we tried this was almost completely free! I told everyone I would give my opinion about which ones were my most and least favorites, and about which ones give the most bang for the buck. So, here is the moment you’ve all been waiting for!

If you’re not familiar with how these boxes work, I shall explain. You begin by setting up an account, then download the app for the company you are ordering from. Most all of them have apps, with the exception of one out of the handful I tried. Once you log in, you can choose how many people and portions you’d like for the week. Most offer a two or four person option and you can choose how many meals you want for the week. Some differ on this, but it’s pretty standard. Next, you browse through the week’s recipes. It’s usually around 6-7 and you choose the ones that you want you want in your box. You have a deadline to change, edit, or skip, usually by Wednesday or Thursday the week before it is to be delivered. Then, on a day you choose, your meal box is delivered. It arrives in an insulated box, packed on ice packs. The food is only the exact amount you need of each ingredient for each recipe. So, if the recipe calls for a quarter cup of red wine vinegar, or three cloves of garlic, that is all they send. Everything contained within is recyclable and all companies encourage recycling. Most of the services separate everything by meal so you know what goes together. But they contain recipe cards for each meal that are super easy to follow! 

First up for us was Blue Apron. I waited on that delivery so excitedly, I think I checked the front porch every hour. When it arrived, I met my FedEx guy mid-yard and he asked me if we liked these things. I eagerly told him it was our first time! He said this one was definitely the one he sees most and seemed to be a favorite. I was so surprised to open and see how everything was done. The tiny containers of ingredients and spices were so precious!! And from a branding standpoint, it was super cohesive, which pleased my obsessive and compulsive tendencies. 

I’m an adventurous eater, and would eat pretty much any recipe out there. Our kids are 11 and 2, and my husband and son are picky eaters. So, I knew it would be a challenge to find recipes that we would all be on board with. We went with the Spice Rubbed Beef Roast and the Chicken Lo Mein. Both got the thumbs up from the entire family! I was surprised that the kids wanted to be involved in the cooking and that they tried new things! I hadn’t thought about doing a blog post about this yet, so I didn’t take a pic of the meals. But, I did snap a pic of the leftovers for my hubby who would enjoy them later after work. I was floored that the kids and I could eat and this much was left over! I did tweak the recipe a bit to suit our taste. Instead of vinegar marinated shallots, for instance, I did a crispy fried shallot since we aren’t huge on raw onions of any sort. Not much liberty was taken with the lo mein but we did add a little soy sauce and sriracha for some kick. I was impressed with the fresh noodles. Toddler was a HUGE fan. All of it was enjoyed! 

Next up was Sun Basket. The thing that drew me to this was the ingredients and dietary options. The ingredients were farm-to-table, organic, non-gmo, and options were available for Paleo (which is how I eat and am getting the family on board), gluten free, dairy free, nut free, vegetarian, soy free, and low calorie. The recipes seemed more flavorful and unique. When the box came, it just made me smile because it was so pretty and happy! 

 It seemed to be a little more  expensive, but totally worth the little extra for the quality.  We chose Swedish Meatballs and Tofu Ramen for our first two meals. And I figured out that I was going to need to write about this and take obsessive pics before eating. 

Obviously, that was glorious and there wasn’t a crumb left. The lingonberry jam on this was ridiculously good! 

Here’s the ramen, which I was thrilled to make. The dashi (broth) they sent was amazing and I was so happy to see what real, fresh ramen noodles looked like. I felt like a freakin pro. Hubby and son were not a fan of the tofu, but it was smoked and I was obsessed. So yummy!!

These recipes needed no tweaking at all. I was in love with Sun Basket already, but still had a few more to try. The boys needed more convincing. But the little lady was clearly becoming a huge fan of noodles and ate them with her hands like a proper gargoyle.

Next, we moved on to Hello Fresh! This one really seemed to be popular amongst our friends. It was a joy beyond compare that they had breakfasts included in their plans! It’s the most important meal of the day and I normally skip it, but this made me excited to cook in the morning! Our first recipe was not the breakfast, but the Juicy Lucy Burger with onion and tomato jam. 

I’m just gonna leave this here. Even this doesn’t begin to do it justice. Yes, that is cheese oozing from within over there on the left. 

It was one of the best burgers I have ever had. 

Our second meal was the Grilled Cheese tacos. I’ve always wanted to work with halloumi cheese, but never had until this. It was every bit as amazing as I imagined. These tacos were tip top, but for some reason I didn’t snap a photo in time. Probably the morning rush. But here is the photo from their app. The only issue was that the avocado wasn’t ripened enough to eat. 

Our next meal was supposed to be pork tenderloin and cauliflower mash. It sure looked pretty, but three of the ingredients were not so fresh, and we ended up not being able to cook it. We spoke with customer service, and they were kind and gave us another box on the house, which we have yet to use. The recipe selections are always great and a nice balance of classics and adventure meals. Despite the slight hitch, we really liked everything! 

Next up were Home Chef and Plated, which I hadn’t heard of until friends recommended. Home Chef was difficult for me to find recipes. They seemed a bit basic and boring for my taste. But so many friends love it, so I gave it a chance. These were the recipes we chose .

I cooked the pork tenderloin for my kids and parents. Daughter and folks loved it. Son was meh. It was tasty and easy, and I always love cooking for my parents! But I wasn’t super impressed with anything. The fig jam and goat cheese were the star of the dish. 

But the pizza was also not great. It literally came with packets of Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce and packets of ranch dressing. The pizza crusts were already made. They were super bland. The chicken was only seasoned with salt and pepper and roasted in the oven. Boring. Basic. Easy. We ate one, and the other one sat in the fridge until someone was desperate enough to eat it. What bothers me so much about this is that I am adamantly against processed foods and table sugar these days. Of course no one  law in my house cares, but I’m a nutritional therapist. I do a lot of research of what makes people sick and overweight, because of my own struggle with chronic pain, mood disorders, blood sugar issues, and weight gain. The more I study, The more I find that foods with a label are one of the root causes of illness and weight gain. They are not beneficial to the body, and that is one of the reasons I wanted to cook at home more. Convenience eating is the downfall of many, including myself, and I was surprised that this service cut corners in that way. I can’t rationalize paying for that (and I did pay some for this box). I canceled the subscription immediately. Then a week later got an email saying my order was on its way! After sending an email saying I had canceled, they claimed I didn’t, charged me anyway, and the extra food went in our freezer. Not the best experience! 

Plated was semi-good. We had a Parmesan Crusted Chicken with “Caesar” salad. The chicken was good, but not great. The salad was ghetto Caesar, or as coined by my son, bootleg Caesar. It was romaine lettuce and tomatoes, but the dressing was mayo, lemon juice, and anchovy paste. I love that my 11-year-old’s discerning palate was able to detect this falsehood at an early age! I quite enjoyed it and so did the little miss, but I will admit it definitely didn’t taste like Caesar dressing. If you’re gonna use packets, why not just give me a packet of Caesar and call it a day? No photo of the finished product, but it looked exactly like the picture on the recipe card. Except it was a quick and easy recipe, so the corners cut to save time meant that the Parmesan/breadcrumb coating fell off every time you cut a piece off. 

We also had a Carne Asada Burger with yucca fries. It wouldn’t have been carne asada if I hadn’t used my own spices to flavor the burger. Their recipe called for only salt and pepper, so I’m not sure what that was about. I’d give it another chance, but Plated was not my favorite. Some of their other recipes look better and I will probably revisit later. They offer dessert for an additional cost, if you’re into that. 

I thought I was done, but Martha Stewart’s Marley Spoon popped up in my Facebook feed. Thanks, algorithm! With this one, you are not limited to people and portions. You choose how many portions of each meal you want (I think there’s a minimum), and the price changes accordingly. Not bad, Martha! We had a crazy week and for some reason, we had to cook all of the meals in one day. I want to say this one wasn’t as well organized as the others, which is surprising. But I could be wrong! All of this is starting to run together! We had fried chicken sandwiches, root veggie fries, ginger beef fried rice, and baby bok choy and radish salad. All of it was amazing. No tweaking necessary. Just yum and everyone loved it! We had tons left over. 

Bless you if you’re still reading and have made it this far! Almost done!

 The last one was Green Chef. Also organic and dietary restriction friendly. But they charge more for paleo meals. Thought we would try it and see if it was worth the price. Jury is still out on that one. It was close to $100/week for three dinners for two, where others are closer to the $60-80 range. They don’t let you choose your meals, so you just get whatever three meals they have that week. Ours were Cajun Cod with Swiss chard, zucchini and peppers (pictured below and damn good for someone who doesn’t like cooked fish so much), Pork Burrito bowl with cauliflower rice, and Red Curry Chicken with sweet potato mash and garam masala slaw. We didn’t get to some of these in time and kinda had to combine two of the meals. But they were all super flavorful, even so. This one had the most in the negative category even though it was probably the most delicious. No meal choice, more expensive, and nothing was organized at all when it arrived. They also do not currently have an app. 

We got a Sun Basket that week too and decided it was way too much and some of the ingredients went bad. My advice is if you can’t cook it within 2-3 days, don’t get it. Or maybe limit to less meals per week. We would freeze the meat and intend cook later, but would find that some of the produce and other ingredients would go bad. Coconut milk was a repeat offender on that front. I wasn’t aware that it could ferment that quickly! But if anything goes bad too fast, the services will most likely give you a discount on your next order. 

My intention was to pick a winner, and for me, it was Sun Basket. I think Hello Fresh was a close second, with Blue Apron rounding out my top three. But there are too many factors to really commit to that answer! It depends on your needs and tastes as an individual, couple, or family. It depends on time you have, everyone’s appetites, and budget. My sister mentioned that they have larger appetites in their family with a 13 year old who is already 6’4″! I personally loathe shopping, and when I try to plan recipes for the week, I get stressed out trying to find something we all like, then I end up buying too much and the excess rots in the crisper drawer. So, it’s nice and worth every penny for me to let someone else take the guesswork out of it. I look forward to my boxes every week. I have rediscovered my passion for cooking. I have healthy leftovers to take to work for lunch! We are trying new things! I’m sticking on my dietary needs better than ever! After a busy day at work, I am happy to come home and enjoy a meal at the table with my kids. We are actually spending less since we really don’t buy many groceries anymore. 

I give the whole extravaganza an A++++. Hope this helps you get a better idea of what’s what and how they all work. If you want to try any or all, I would love to send referral links for free or discounted boxes. If you order, I’ll get credit on my account. Please do this! I worked hard on this blog, so I hope someone will throw me a bone! Haha! I’ll post some links on social media, but if you follow this blog sans social involvement, just comment here and I’ll hook you up!

Buon appetito a tutti! 

My Body Is A Cage

This is the moment I guess I’m supposed to write about. I was writing a piece last week for Eating Disorder Awareness Week and it got accidentally deleted. I worked for days on finding the right words. Accidentally hit paste instead of copy and by the time I realized what I did, it was too late to recover my work. I posted about my frustration on social media, and some lovely friends suggested that the piece just wasn’t meant to go out into the universe at that time. Now I know why. In this current moment, I am experiencing the most severe humiliation and body shame I have ever felt in my entire life. I have body dysmorphia. I am never able to see my body the way it actually is. When I was younger, that meant no matter how skinny I was, I always looked fat to myself. But now it’s the opposite. I don’t see myself as fat. But after seeing a video of myself, I was mortified to figure out that I am. It’s not just any video. It’s the commercial for the musical I have been working on for the last 6 weeks. The two roles I’m playing are very demanding vocally, acting-wise, emotionally, physically. I also choreographed the show. I have poured my heart and soul and time into this work. But, now I want to run and hide. We open on Friday, with a preview audience on Thursday. And I don’t want to have to face the embarrassment of being this size on stage every night. I’m playing real people, not just a character. And they weren’t this big. I thought I was just the right size! But I am not. And I’m devastated to find that out. 
I feel betrayed. First off, by my body. I have had some health troubles that I suspect may be causing this. I have endometriosis which, for lack of a better description, makes me look pregnant. But there may be some underlying issues that I’m looking to have checked out. On some level, I have an irrational, but very real sense of betrayal by my friends and family. I keep wondering why nobody told me. I wonder why no one seems concerned. I guess that is a sensitive subject. When you tell someone you feel obese, they shoot you down and tell you you’re not. I get it. No one knows how to respond to that. I have to reassure myself that the people I love aren’t lying, they’re just being kind and protective of my feelings. That’s not necessarily what they see when they look at me. I still feel like someone should have cared enough to be honest. 
I have tried just about every diet known to man. I have slayed in the gym, although I must admit that has fallen by the wayside due to chronic fatigue and back pain. I do have a game plan to get moving again. I eat healthier than 90% of people I know. I am active and busy. I am a wellness practitioner, including yoga instruction and nutritional therapy. I feel like no one will want to take health advice from someone who is overweight. But, I’ve also been the anorexic girl. I have been the person that folks tell to eat a cheeseburger. If that person only knew how I wished I could do just that. I’ve been the body justice warrior. I did Burlesque dancing and raised awareness for self love and body positivity. I teach other women how to feel good in their bodies, no matter the size. And here I am, doing the opposite. And I feel terrible! I don’t want my children to learn this from me. But I feel so humiliated that this commercial is what is supposed to draw people into this show. All I see is a fat, ugly woman dancing around in spandex. And now all I can think about is the show opening this week, and the shame I am going to have to feel onstage every night. 
I’m breaking down. I deal with chronic fatigue and pain on a daily basis. But that is nothing compared to the crippling depression and anxiety I am feeling right now. I have had to put costumes back on the rack because they weren’t big enough to fit me. Because of this, we are back to the drawing board and I don’t have costumes for a few scenes in the show yet. Cue more depression and anxiety. This is the shame spiral. A domino effect of the most mortifying kind. And there’s no way out. I can’t get out of this. I’m bound by contract, and the whole show is counting on me. The theater is counting on me. So I have to get up there and do it anyway. At least it’s indicated in the script that I’m “bald and fat.” 
I don’t write all of this for attention or pity and the last thing I need is people telling me how beautiful I am. I write it so that people can get a glimpse into what it’s like every day for someone who suffers from severe body dysmorphia. It is a mental illness. It’s like every mirror is a fun house mirror. No matter which way the distortion goes, you just see your reflection as deformed. And for some other unlucky sufferers, you can add depression and anxiety to that reflection. So, when you look in the mirror, all you see is a monster. You don’t even think it’s you. You don’t recognize yourself. I just know that I don’t feel like myself anymore. I’ve possibly lost sight of who I really am. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to face the humiliation of being on that stage 3-4 days a week. I don’t know if I can handle the paranoia and self doubt of not feeling good enough. I have not felt this insecure about myself in many years. I have worked so hard to not feel this way and encourage other women to not feel this way. Yet, here I am going through it all again.
So, what do I stand to gain from writing this? As with writing any honest piece, it is always to help someone else who might be dealing with this to feel less alone. And maybe if I’m lucky, people will be less judgemental and more gentle. I am playing some very demanding roles, so hopefully they can see me for the character and see past my body. I am terrified. But I have to move past and push through. I have to wipe the tears away, but I’m more likely to let them flow onstage because in reality, I am more like this crazy woman I’m playing than maybe I’d like to admit. I feel like people should know this before I go out there and put myself through this every night. 
If you read all of that, kudos. Thank you. I send you love and gratitude. Namaste.
PS- Pat my hubby on the back if you see him. He is doing everything he can to help me. He has run lines with me, massages my aching bones, and dealt with my horrible mood swings, and still has time to help with my meals and make sure there’s a glass of wine waiting for me. I love you honey. Thank you. 

On Things That Are Hidden

We are nearing the end of depression awareness month, and I had no idea it was depression awareness month. Go figure! I have cycled through depression since I was a teen, so for the better part of 25 years. I had no idea what was happening to me, but finally sought medication at 18. I hated it. It made me numb. I can’t even tell you how many different meds I was put on from ages 18-30. It didn’t make me better, but it did make me not want to die for a little while. But I always felt like that was just hiding it on a different level. I was already so good at hiding it from everyone but my mom, and I also didn’t want the added stigma of having someone see me take pills for it. I have had suicidal thoughts creep in since as far back as I can remember. But, you just didn’t talk about that. You hide it. You hide your self. No one wants to see that, or so we choose to believe. 

When I speak about my struggles with depression, some find it hard to believe. I look like the happiest person on earth! I’m quick with a joke, a hug, and am always reaching out to help someone. I’m full of spirit, pretty, poised, silly, sexy, and the life of the party on a pretty consistent basis. But ask any partner I’ve ever had. They are the ones that have to deal with the worst. I don’t show it to many, in fact, my best friend doesn’t even know much about it although I have recently started opening up to him when I go dark. At some point, you just get too old to keep hiding it from loved ones. Or anyone, for that matter. 

But there is one thing I’ve never spoken about openly. It is horrible and embarrassing, and at some point, I thought I would die if anyone other than a select few individuals knew about it. There were times in my life where the emotional pain was so deep, I had a deep need to make it physical. I, more times than I’d like to admit, cut into my skin. My mind and body had betrayed me and I sought to pay it back, I guess. I wasn’t trying to kill myself,  but if I was going to be in pain, I needed to see it as a physical manifestation. Eventually, I realized that I just didn’t know how to handle emotions properly. Therapy didn’t really help me because I wouldn’t accept that some old, privileged, white person who had never gone through this could possibly get me through it. In fact, it wasn’t until I started talking about my experience more to friends and finding others who were dealing with it too that I felt OK reaching out from the pit of despair more often. And to quell the need for self mutilation, I found solace in going and getting a tattoo. Even if it was a much more expensive habit, it kept me from inflicting pain on myself and being self destructive.

This may come as a surprise that I’m still learning to get a handle on these gut wrenching bouts of despair. I’m in holistic health, meditation, and yoga. I’m a life coach and nutritional therapist, so I should know the magic formula, right? I wish it were that easy! What I do know is that medication works. But, it works in the way that a Band-aid helps a gushing wound. It covers up the blood and the cut, but when you take it off, the problem is still there. Most of us have never been told why we are depressed, other than the bullshit excuse, “it’s a chemical imbalance.” That is unacceptable. It’s a stunning statistic that 95% of serotonin is produced and stored in the gut. So, why has no doctor ever put me on a gut healing protocol? We also hear that “it’s a hormone imbalance.” The answer we are given is to take some synthetic hormones. Unacceptable. Why has no doctor even told me about  how my diet can be altered to help my hormones? Why is it that after two surgeries for endometriosis, no doctor has even mentioned its link to heavy metal toxicity? Why is it that I’ve never heard about the proper way to work out for my hormone levels? What I’m trying to say is, just because your doctor doesn’t tell you, doesn’t mean hope isn’t out there. 

I am personally going through a particularly rough cycle of depression hell right now. My baby won’t sleep for more than a few hours in her crib and after that, will only sleep in the bed with me. That is not ideal. I’m losing sleep, waking in pain. I wake up every morning with migraines and lockjaw. My business is undergoing a big move that is costing us a lot, and causing a ton of stress. My diet has been a little off at times because I’m either too busy or tired to cook. I’ve gained weight, and the insecurities are creeping back in. In my particularly low moments, as much as I love my life,  I just want to walk away from it all. I still have days where I consider medication. I haven’t tried any in over five years, though. I remember every time that the easy way isn’t always the right way. I see friends posting about how diet and exercise changes are bullshit in treating depression and I just want to say that it isn’t that simple! But, once you find the cause of your depression, it’s a lot simpler and cheaper and better for your mind and body to find natural cures. I find new ones every month. Let’s face it, when my period comes around, I become a monster. But those low places that keep me up at night have a purpose. I do my research now, and am happy to say my depressive episodes last maybe a day or two now, as opposed to weeks or months at a time. I don’t participate in self destructive behaviors like excessive drinking, pill popping, or cutting. I reach out to my mom and my husband, and sometimes my trusted friends who have been through it. I tune into my body and try to stop it before it gets out of control.  I see a holistic doc (not enough, but busy is an understatement right now!) who is one of the smartest women I know, and I am part of a few online communities I can reach out to if I need any tips or suggestions. They are quick to remind me of resources I may have overlooked. That is more than meds or doctors have ever done for me. I won’t say they don’t help, or aren’t necessary for some people at some points, but I feel like people need to know they don’t have to be on them forever. They are not the only option. There are a host of other things out there to help you, but they’re hidden pretty well. You just have to want to find them. It’s like dieting. It’s much easier to eat something quick and cheap than to buy a host of nutritious foods and prep your meals for entire week. Quick and easy is the Band-aid. It might be ok in the moment, but not long term. 

A better life awaits us all. We have to find out why we are willing to accept unhappiness as an option. We have to stop hiding. We have to share our hidden gems. Depression and anxiety have been gems for me. Because with the knowledge I have gained from my own struggle, I am now armed and ready to help my friends and clients. The first step is refusing to accept that anyone should feel the way this makes you feel. If there’s a way around it, or ways to prevent it, I want to share those with others who feel as helpless and hopeless as I have. Preventative mental health care is barely even in the narrative, and it should be! So, during awareness month, I wanted to bring awareness to things that are hidden. I’m here for you if you’re tired of hiding. I’m here for you if you’re tired of searching for hidden answers. No one is coming to save you, and that’s hard to swallow. But there are plenty of options for you to learn to accept and implement your own health practices. You owe it to yourself to do the work and not give up on you. The first step is loving you and fighting like hell to leave the comfort of your sadness and the excuses it allows you to partake in. That is a hard realization, and can come off as a highly offensive thing to say. Trust me, I was filled with rage that someone would suggest that about me. But someone did, and it ended up saving my life. In truth, I looked at myself and found that because I was exhausted from fighting this all my life, from the bad shit that had happened to me, from the anxiety and post traumatic stress that lingered, from raising a child on my own for 5 years, from working my ass off to make ends meet, from always feeling like a lonely outsider, from the abusive manipulation, (shall I keep going?)… I was just tired. My depression came for a lot of reasons, but the reason I let it stay was because I was tired, and I guess on some level I needed it to give me an excuse to be lazy and rest. But the day will come when you won’t need it. When you can say goodbye and truly fight it, or keep it from appearing at all. You do have that power. No matter what you tell yourself. No matter what your doctor is telling you. I hope that day comes for you soon, friends. 

Depression can’t hide forever. Neither can anxiety. Neither can you. But, on a fantastic note, neither can your healing. Nothing is permanent but energy and love. Don’t give up.

Serving Up Postpartum Realness

It’s time for me to drop the veil. I don’t write much anymore. Because I don’t have material. I should have plenty of witty jokes about motherhood. I should have plenty of happy anecdotes about motherhood and snarky stories of opening my own small business. But, I got nothin’.

Wait, I do have something. I actually have a couple of things. What I have, I can assume, is a raging case of postpartum depression. What I also have is a severe case of exhaustion and chronic fatigue. More than that, I have excruciating full body pain, uncontrollable anxiety, confusion, memory loss, hair loss, weight that won’t budge, bones that grind together, lockjaw, chronic sinus trouble, ear fluid and pain, dizziness, and a diet that consists of whatever I can throw together in 30 seconds. 

I haven’t made this knowledge extremely public because there is a specific type of shame and embarrassment that comes with this. My new business is a healing arts studio. I’m supposed to be a healer, and I’m completely and totally broken. I’m supposed to show people how to manage their stress, and my stress level is so high, I am questioning the existence of my own nervous system. I am supposed to guide people to natural health options for relief and relaxation and nutrition, and I’m reaching for frozen food, wine, and Xanax! I can’t remember the last time I showered, and I apologize if you hug me and happen to notice. 

I have heard the best option is to push through, and fake it till you make it. So I go into beast mom mode. I push past little ills and stresses and sleepless night. And sometimes, if I’m lucky, my husband may let me sleep in for a couple hours. But the exhaustion isn’t alleviated. I don’t get days off, vacations, or date nights anymore and I’m lucky if I get alone time when I go poop! I have pushed so far beyond my perceived limits that I have no boundaries. I don’t know my name most days. I’m convinced that the puppet strings are being held up by a giant pot of coffee, because the dark caffeinated liquid is surely the only thing keeping me alive!

Today it got scary. I didn’t sleep well but got up with the baby at 5:30. I woke up the 10-year-old and made him breakfast and was starting on his lunch. Things got fuzzy and the baby got fussy after I fed her. I don’t know what really happened but I woke up not knowing where I was, with my husband asking me what happened. I didn’t know anything for a few seconds. I had collapsed. I apparently passed out on my open dishwasher door. I was able to get up and make it to the couch and text my mom for help. 

We need a better support system for new parents. It can’t get to this point. There shouldn’t be a stigma around postpartum depression, and there should be more resources available than our mothers! It was noted on a recent social media thread that the old way in Native American tribes, the women of the tribe would come together to support a woman who had recently given birth. What happened to that?! Maybe this should be a call to action, but I am too exhausted to start it! I have seen multiple moms refuse help when I have offered it. I wish it had been offered to me. I’m almost a year in and struggling harder than ever. I grapple with the thought that maybe I am a terrible mother and I should just walk out the door and never return. I convince myself my children will be better off. That is what depression does. It makes you believe the dark thoughts. 

We’ve got to help each other heal. I want anyone who comes to my studio to understand that the reason I know so much and have so many resources for healing is because these are what have helped me make it out alive up until now. I’m healingalongside my clients because we are all in this together. None of us are perfect and none of us should feel this way. Moreover, we shouldn’t feel ashamed or alone. 

So this is me. If I seem like myself, I am probably faking it right now, just FYI. If I seem off, this is why. I am working hard to take care of myself so I can take care of you! 

Namaste and good night (at 9:00pm, eyelids refuse to stay up).