Total Eclipse of the Lottery

“The universe doesn’t give you what you ask for with your thoughts – it gives you what you demand with your actions.”
― Steve Maraboli

A few days ago, there was a full moon lunar eclipse. This particular moon was called the Beaver moon, which made me giggle more than I should publicly admit. This eclipse was following a period called Mercury in retrograde. For those of you who do not follow astrology, when Mercury is in retrograde, it typically causes a phase of what could be best described as general ass-backwardness. I personally feel a stagnation, like being stuck in a whirlpool, or more appropriately, a storm drain! Many folks experience trouble with electronics and automobiles. In this case, it was followed by an eclipse of a full moon. We all know what full moons can feel like. But what about eclipses?
An eclipse is a moment of perfect alignment. So, coming on the wake of our chaotic retrograde period, the eclipse is when things finally line up, and we feel like things are going in the right direction again. A good visualization for this is the moment you look at the tire on a moving car and it looks like the wheels are going backwards, even though the car is not. That’s mercury retrograde. The moment your eyes adjust and process the actual direction of tire movement is the eclipse. Then you view the car and the tires moving in the same direction.
The tires are your mind, your perception. The car is your life. The hammer is my penis. (Sorry for that last one. Inside joke for those who have seen Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog)
The eclipse is a moment that can be a very powerful catalyst for change. One of my favorite sayings is appropriate here:

SHIFT HAPPENS

I have a little sign that pops up every now and then to remind me to be grateful. To tap into the universe and receive energy from it. To keep my eyes and ears open for other signs. And I find them, follow them, and find more. It’s like the Universe is sending me on a scavenger hunt! But I find lessons and connections with people and gifts of a less material nature. And this shift started happening for me in the days before the eclipse. So I kept my eyes and ears open. I started having precognitive dreams. You know, where you dream something and it pops up in real life the next day. In this case, the phrase “getting your ducks in a row” popped up. So, I took it as a sign that I need to put my own life matter into alignment. The Universe can’t do all of the work. You have to use the force. You never heard Obi-Wan tell Luke to let the force use him. Jussayin.
So I followed the flow on eclipse day, and it also happened to be a very large Powerball jackpot day too. My inner monologue while at the gas station went something like this: “Hmm. Things are flowing so strongly and so right that maybe I should buy a lottery ticket. Hmmm. But I’ve never done that and don’t really know how it works. Hrm. You have to play to win.” And in that exact moment, the cashier asked me if I’d like to buy a ticket. So I did. I felt like the children from Willy Wonka, wondering if mine was the golden ticket! I pondered all day about the laws of attraction, and how I could manifest a large sum of money that would change my life and the lives of those I hold dear. I got misty thinking of how I could help people who have helped me. I guess it’s like coming up with your Oscar speech, just in case.
After more deep thoughts about what I would do with tons of money, I started thinking of why I might deserve it. I’m a good hearted and honest person and love unconditionally with every atom of my soul. I have felt like death here recently, and this jackpot would help me to be reborn.

Then it occurred to me:
I can be reborn any time I choose.
I don’t need money to show people how much they have done for me or how much I love them.
These people are my jackpot.
I’ve already won.

Needless to say, none of my numbers matched. But, I came away with a lovely pile of winnings. Just to be grateful every day for what you do have is a huge gift. And I apply this whole situation to my life. You can’t just always sit around and wait for the Universe to give you a handout. Sometimes, if you’re open, you can follow its signs. But you must be willing to actively participate in the scavenger hunt. Otherwise, you’ll never find what is destined to be yours. No matter how strong your powers of attraction are, you have to be willing to meet half way.
Meet people halfway.
Meet the Universe halfway.
Meet yourself half way.
You will find the metaphorical pot of gold right in your own backyard.
Or right inside of your own Self.
And that’s the real jackpot.

 

And you don’t have to waste money on a ticket! 🙂
~M

Bag Lady Bonfire

Once again, I took a much needed break from bloggerating. And once again, my heart and brain are overflowing with words, wisdoms, unwisdoms, mental imagery, existential ponderings, et al. I realize this when I start posting way too many Facebook statuses, cryptic YouTube posts, tweets, and general text spew. The thoughts have to jump out of my cranium and land somewhere! Then I go, “Oh yeah. I have a blog.”

A little background: in my few months off, I have come to this “empty shell at a crossroads” place. After being abandoned, I guess that is to be expected. I just repressed what happened after I stopped writing. I had no healthy or therapeutic way to release my emotions, so I just pretended they had passed. Fake it til you make it, right? Wrong.
I decided that the best way to start over was to start dating, but in a way I never had. Actually go on dates. With whoever suited my fancy. Friends and family seemed to think this was a great idea, since I’m one of those people that has never been single for more than maybe 6 months. So, I started seeing a couple of people. I thought since in my last situation, I figured out that part of me did still entertain the idea of getting hitched and possibly creating a larger family, that I should look for people who may want the same. I kinda found that in the people I dated. I eventually was asked to be an official couple by more than one fella. I cracked under the pressure and felt I had to make a decision very quickly. So I did.
But what was I supposed to do with all of my leftover feelings? What was I supposed to do with my unresolved relationships and emotional issues? I just shoved them in a mental suitcase and hid them in my emotional attic. But the more you try to stuff in a suitcase, especially once you think it’s zipped up and tightly closed, the zipper will burst and all of those things will come spilling out at once! Like opening a can of biscuits, or taking off a pair of pants that’s way too tight, amirite?
So what do you do if your suitcase is full? I can’t just take my feelings out and donate them to the less fortunate!!

I didn’t want to become a relationship bag lady.

 

No one wants to bring old baggage into something new and beautiful, but it can take a very long time to deal with relationship leftovers. So we jump in, and hope that we can unpack our bags in this new place. If we do, we kinda have to quickly throw out what no longer serves us and maybe keep some things that don’t fit, but we think they might fit again one day. Or we know it’ll never fit, but it’s just too sentimental to throw it away. But if we don’t, we can find ourselves trying to force the same old stuff into fitting who we are now. Yes, I am relating emotions to old clothing. Keep tracking with me…

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could have yard sales or donations of old useless shit that lives in our brain/body/soul?? Just name your price, or hell…haggle with people!
Here’s the reason that doesn’t work. No one wants that shit!! One man’s brain trash is not a treasure to anyone (unless it’s turned into art, maybe). As far as feelings, emotions, scars go…they must be thrown out. Actively sifted through, then let go. If not, you will find yourself transferring what you wanted/needed in past situations onto new ones instead of co-creating brand new wants/needs.

My suitcase overflowed in public. I went to see a musical about a bipolar suicidal mother dealing with loss, meds, and memories. Smart move, right? Oh my no. I took my new guy with me. More no. I cried like I’ve never cried before. Snot. Tissues. Shaking. Audible. Ugly cry. In public. And he saw it all.
I freaked out after that and told him I needed a break because in my mind, I have been the woman in that story. I didn’t want him to be the man. He was too good. I didn’t deserve him!! I’m too messed up!

A counselor friend of mine recently told me that his bipolar patients tend to think their issues are harder for others to handle than anyone else’s. But that in actuality, they aren’t. How many times have you been with someone whose quirks or issues you deal with because you love them? Oh. Yeah. Phooey. Right.

My point is, don’t run away from the person who is willing to hold your hand while you sift through what is no longer serving you. Or rather, realize that there are people who will help you carry your bags, unzip your case, and throw that shit out on the curb where it belongs. Be it friends, lovers, family, colleagues or even strangers. Don’t fear unloading. It’s not up to you what other people can handle. If you keep it in, you’ll emotionally vomit all over whomever is closest to you, eventually. You have to actively liberate yourself of things you can afford to get rid of to make more space for the things you want. This is why I say have a good cry. Release tears to make room for the joy that is imminent!

I’m still learning every day how to balance between not hiding my issues, and bringing them to the foreground. I’ve spun out of control at times. But in those times I have been able to compartmentalize the people in my life and how they might be able to help me lighten my load. Lawd knows I would do the same for any of my people! And I hope they call on me when it’s time to hide the dead bodies, because I will totally be there!! If we don’t have a system of people we can lean on, it will be dumped on one person, or it will be our own heavy burden that will be too heavy to bear.

Don’t underestimate the people in your life. If you do, you run the risk of pushing them away. You run the risk of people thinking they knew you, and realizing you’ve been hiding.

So instead of a yard sale, swap meet, or donation location, I suggest we all go through our emotional suitcases at least seasonally, and throw out the old emotions. Look at what could be your emotional equivalent of “skinny jeans you hope you’d fit into again but secretly know you’d have to reach your birthweight to wear again”(AKA the that-ain’t-never-happenin’ pants) or your “one day these will totally come back in style” articles of emotional clothing. And let’s have a bonfire! We don’t need no water, let the MF burn!!
Because the only way to freedom is letting go.

 

Unzip. Let it rip.
~M