The YOU You May Not See

Today’s goal is to shift the way we view Self. Typically, we see that person in the mirror. We see pictures of our outer appearance, and maybe even like them. More often than not, though, we are critical of these reflections and this can lead to only seeing our physical state. It’s almost as if no one even takes a bad photo anymore. If we don’t like the way we look, we can just erase it and take a new one. Or we can photoshop the crap out of it until we look how we think we should. But why do we think we should look or be any different than how we are? It’s impossible to see how you would look through the eyes of someone who loves you. But, that’s what I’m going to start trying, and you should too!
How many times have you abused yourself emotionally? Beaten yourself up about the way you look or act? Blamed yourself for not being the best? Have you ever looked in the mirror and hated your reflection? Maybe didn’t even recognize yourself?

It’s because what you see from inside yourself, is just that. A reflection.

But I’d venture to guess there’s probably someone who cared about you or loved you even though you really didn’t care for yourself at that time. Ever wonder what they saw?

Maybe it’s the way you lit up while watching a concert. Maybe it’s the peaceful way you look while sleeping. Maybe it’s the way your arms feel when you hug them. Or that funny face you make when you play an instrument. Or the energy you fill them with when you’re in their presence. Or the passion you have that’s almost as if they can see the flames in your eyeballs when you talk about someone/something you love. Or the pure joyousness when you’re laughing so hard it’s like happiness is seeping from your soul. Or your look of determination during a hard workout. Or the look of pure loving care and understanding you give them.

These are the little things we don’t get the pleasure of seeing in ourselves. So the next time you want to judge yourself, stop. Because as much as you have to live with yourSelf and in yourSelf…you don’t really know YOU.
It’s not fair to judge a book by its cover, right? So why do you rationalize that it’s fair to judge yourself?

So I’m gonna try to start being conscious of the “bigger picture” ME. I wouldn’t take that kind of emotional abuse from anyone else, and I won’t take it from mySelf! You shouldn’t either. It’s the little things that make you fall in love. So lets try to see the little things about ourSelves as much as we can. And let’s fall in love!

~M

Surveillance, Self Consciousness, Social Media, and Your Lazy Ass

Time to board the blog train again! Not too much to report. Life has been a lot of “same shit, different day.” Which is good sometimes. But, too much mundane can turn us into exhausted robots just going through the motions, and not truly enjoying our lives. Sometimes we find ourselves, not as a rolling river, but a mere babbling brook; or even worse, a stagnant puddle. It’s so easy to get stuck, and seems quite impossible to get unstuck! Perception is key at this point. Regard this as part of a cycle of natural balance, and you’ll realize you’re an arrow that has to be pulled backwards pretty hard if it is to be propelled forward.

Seems easy enough, right? Yeah, not always.

Through this blog, and many other things in life, I’ve realized that helping others heal is a definite calling for me. All that I’ve experienced in my own healing journey, and a lot of which I have documented here, has led me to a decision. I am now studying to become a certified life and wellness coach. So, I’m taking what I’m learning and coaching myself. I’m always better at leading others to the best of things, but let’s face it…most of the time, I’m a wreck and a storm and a mess. So, “I’m starting with the [wo]man in the mirror.”

So, in looking at the parts of my life that aren’t ideal, I started studying motivation. Mostly, because I’ve been chronically lazy. I blamed it on stress and exhaustion from being overworked. But, I felt like that was a surface excuse, and that there was something deeper causing this. My quest: to find whatever the cause is, and obliterate it! KABOOM!!!
But what I actually found was purely fascinating. And not sure it can be blown apart so easily. Let me break it down for ya…

I started researching human motivation. Why do we do whatever it is we do? On a basic level, motivation is either extrinsic or intrinsic. Extrinsic motivation is something external, like an award, a high score, a good grade, or a paycheck.
Intrinsic motivation is something that comes from within. This type of motivation just lurks in our inner desires; for instance, our need for human connection and social belonging, autonomy and personal freedom, mastery and learning, or purpose and meaning.
For me, right now, connection and belonging are my main motivators. So I decided to dig deeper. And that’s when I found a very life-changing article. I would post it here, but the link I read said ‘for personal use only.’ If you’d like the link, please contact me, as it is a fascinating read. I’d be glad to direct you there.

“Intrinsic motivation and the effects of self-consciousness, self-awareness, and ego-involvement: An investigation of internally-controlling styles.”
Plant, R. W., & Ryan, R. M. (1985).
That seemed to be exactly what I was looking for!
To summarize, this was a study about how your level of self-consciousness affects intrinsic motivation. Basically, that individuals who are publicly self conscious are not as intrinsically motivated as those who are only privately self-conscious. And more than that, if the individual was aware that they were under surveillance, they were even less motivated to perform the task they were given.
Breaking it down even more, this went on to point out that publicly self-conscious people view themselves as a social object, and their behavior was influenced by projected external conditions and expectations. Those with social anxiety were the same, but more focused on the way they perceive or expect that others think of them. Privately self-conscious folks focus more on their own motives and perceptions, and their behavior is influenced more by their own values and interests. These individuals had increased intrinsic motivation, even under surveillance.

Yes, there’s a conclusive theory. You ready?

In this age of social media and real life 1984 Big Brother NSA madness, we are collectively becoming more publicly self conscious. And we are all probably feeling like Rockwell (“Somebody’s Watching Me?” Anyone?) We are creating public profiles, telling people way too much, editing our lives, interrupting time with loved ones to pull out our phones because we just have to know if someone “liked” what we said or commented on our post. We are chronicling our every move and its almost as if we want people to stalk us. We are becoming social objects. It’s not a healthy path. On a personal level, I felt like I’d get so much done if I deleted my Facebook app. Well, that went a lot deeper than I imagined! I just meant I’d be bored and probably have no choice but to do something else! But this? I’d literally increase my intrinsically motivational chances if I wasn’t so focused on what I’m putting out on social media or the universe in general and what other people think or have to say about it? Worth a try.

So that’s the first step for me. I have some deep issues there. Being a performer, I’ve always held myself to a very high standard, aesthetically. Because deep down, I’m terrified. I’m scared to death someone would think I shouldn’t be prancing around a stage with boobs that small, or cellulite that obvious, or love handles, or pooch muffin top. But I have to stop this pattern of viewing myself (and probably others) as an object. I have to finally stop caring about what other people might be thinking or saying about me. I’d venture to guess what I think they might think of me is mostly made up and inaccurate. And stalking other people only makes this behavior “normal.” So I probably need to stop that, too.

So this weekend, I’m doing a burlesque show. No diet, when I’m much heavier than I’d usually want to be. Hell, I might even take the fishnets off (doubt it)! I am terrified, but it’s time to not give a fuck. (Sorry, Mom for the F-bomb) So, that’s a vulnerable start, but I feel my motivation increasing already!! Or is that fear induced vomit?!
Vulnerability while a crowd of people is watching. I guess that’s a start. Go big, or go home. Hopefully, I’ll find the motivation I currently lack in there somewhere. And this time, it’ll be better, because it’s not attached to any specific outcome. Keep your fingers crossed!

~M