Wellness Booby Traps

I’m sitting here pondering how it has been made so convenient for us to fall into “traps” as far as diet and exercise are concerned. So many of them are being set out there, which only leads to us feeling like a failure later down the line. These things are not one-size-fits-all! For example, if you are dominantly a yang energy or a fire sign, or if your Ayurvedic dosha is pitta, you need to bring balance to your mind and body with the food you eat and the type of physical activities you do. So, considering the fire that is already within you, you may want to consider eating cool foods and staying away from that 30-day Bikram challenge! But, no one tells us these things! Because the market is just set to target our insecurities, and our empty wallet. 

Have you ever worked with a personal trainer? I most definitely have. Sometimes we get to that plateau and need someone to help us keep our goals in sight! The last one I worked with was chosen because I thought he fit the style I was looking for. I mean, the fact that he was ripped to no end was also helpful in many ways! But, I just knew this guy had that spiritual thing I was looking for. I knew he wasn’t going to just stand there and yell at me. I became very aware of what I needed: someone to not push me, but help me push myself. That is exactly what he did. I felt like the Karate Kid as he pulled bricks out of the sidewalk and placed them on my back while I was holding a plank! He told me that my physical body almost couldn’t keep up with my warrior mind. I looked forward to the weekly torture. Plus, he was just such a neat person, and fun to talk with. That’s when you know you’ve got a good one! 

But, often we just need a little guidance. Sometimes we just don’t know what’s right for us. So we try something, anything that appeals to that inner desperation. We lose our mindfulness. We ignore our inner guides. And for those fire constituted folks out there, what happens when you add fire on top of fire? The flames become uncontrollable. Or, if you’re an air sign, it may shift you from a cool breeze to a hurricane!

This is why I became a Nutritional Therapist and Life Coach. I wanted to be a “personal trainer,” in a different sense. I want to help people find that inner guide. I want to help people find a lifestyle that’s tailored to their needs on their journey to total health. I can’t tell you how many diets I’ve been on, or how many different workout programs I’ve tried. Some were great, and some were not. None of them had any longevity. They were booby traps. 

I wasn’t listening to my body. I wasn’t listening to my mind and soul, either. I was ripped to shreds for that half a year! But it didn’t last. 

Now that I have pinpointed what my needs are by really taking a look and listen inward, I am seeing real results. It’s not about getting in shape for an event, or depriving myself, or feeling like I’m punishing myself in any way. It’s about taking the time and caring enough about myself and learning about myself and being gentle and patient with myself. It’s a much slower process, but that’s exactly how it SHOULD be! 

And here’s my added bonus: I can’t tell you the last time I had a major bout with depression. Of course, I’ve had some hormonally induced emotional outbursts here and there, but nothing like I used to. I feel like a completely different person. I feel ALIVE. 

Naturally, I want to share this gift with others. So, I studied long and hard. That’s what I have been doing behind the scenes for the better part of two years. I am now certified to be able to help others feel as wonderful as I do! 

Wanna know what else? I decided my career was killing me. It was doing so much physical damage to my back, and I just had that “squirmy in my seat” feeling in my spirit. You know, the one that makes you want to call in sick to work EVERY DAY?! I get that when I’m ready for a big change. So I quit. Yep. My “dream job” wasn’t what I thought it would be, so I just walked away. And I’m designing my new business as we speak! 

I listened to myself. I had no one else to help me, but I did it. And now, I’m there to help you. There IS someone to help you. There IS a trainer out there for the mind/body/spirit. If I can be of any service to you before my business gets up and running, please let me know! Until then, my challenge to you is to just start listening to your Self. What are you telling your Self? What is your Self saying back?

Good days ahead, y’all! 

~M

Lego Life: Cloud Cuckoo Land

We have reached the part of our story where our heroine is caught at the “empty shell at a crossroads” place…

“I built my Lego kingdom, and just as I thought I was ready to reign supreme…I realized something was missing. Sure, the castle is nice, especially for a Queen. I’m just not sure if I’m “Queen material.” I AM supposed to be a Queen, right? I can totally do this!!”

Except, she couldn’t. Queens wore ball gowns, and she was more comfortable in flowy skirts and bare feet. Queens wore diamonds, and she preferred flowers and crystals. Queens had perfect hair and makeup every day, people to clean their homes and people to do their bidding for them, even to raise their children for them! But, that didn’t seem like actually living your life at all, if you asked her. She didn’t mind doing the work! Just not the work of a Queen. It didn’t feel authentic, and she was destined to fail from the feelings of inadequacy it would bring her if she carried on. She just wasn’t a Queen. But how could she just leave a beautiful castle?

“Happy is what happens when all your dreams come true. Well…isn’t it?” -Wicked

Fortunately, here in Lego City, everything is awesome. You can be a master builder, no matter who you are! Our heroine left her beloved castle and kingdom, in search of her true identity. And as soon as she started utilizing her imagination and intuition, she realized she was right. She was not a queen at all.

SHE WAS PRINCESS UNI-KITTY!!

There’s only one place for UniKitty: Cloud Cuckoo Land! A magical cloud kingdom with rainbows and sparkles!! So, since she started believing in her skills as a master builder, she got to it, and obsessively started building, and building. And when she was finished, Cloud Cuckoo Land was bigger, brighter, and sparklier than she could’ve ever imagined! Mostly because she could be really obsessive, and have a crazy temper that made her get stuff done, but that is all part of the balance!

Moral of the story: Living your life trying to get by being something you’re not, or doing something you don’t love is not going to make for a very happy life. You have the ability to say YES and NO, and set the boundaries for what is acceptable to you, or for your life. If life isn’t what you wanted it to be, or what you thought it would be, then you can always start building the one that is. Except, unlike Legos, it’s free (and won’t stab you in the foot when you’re walking into dark uncertainty!).

And here’s an article about it for deeper understanding.

:http://www.buzzfeed.com/autumnd1234/17-signs-princess-unikitty-is-your-spirit-animal-sfuc

Confessions Of A Former Mean Girl

“Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by Regina George…”

When I was in high school, I was definitely not a Regina George! Fine, if you want to know, I was a Janis Ian. I was a full on alterna-theatre-gleek and I also had a gay best friend who was too gay to function!  (That’s only OK when I say it😉) I was an in between. Not a popular kid, or a total nerd. Somewhere in the middle of those. At one point I dyed my hair red with kool-aid and looked just like Angela Chase from My So Called Life. Well, it was the 90’s! But I can remember the cliques, and how if you wanted to feel normal, you just wanted to fit in. I can still see the faces of the girls who were “The Plastics” at the two high schools I went to. (And I still see them now in the ‘People You May Know’ section on Facebook!)I hated them. They had everything I wanted. They had the hair, the clothes, the parents who went out of town and left them at home alone to have parties, the boys…

They were the competition.

To me, that is sad. Even sadder: it’s not limited to high school. It’s still happening in grown-up land!! I think this is one of our obstacles in achieving gender equality. Women will turn on each other in a heartbeat because we are taught that other girls are our competition!  I always wondered why I never had many girl friends. Now, I know why. I didn’t trust females. And in my mind, I was competing against all of them. I hated the girls who were more popular than I was and I was mean to girls who were less popular than me. It was like one big pageant! 

But, what do you win? Do you get a crown? Do you also get voted Miss Congeniality? Does someone hand you a bouquet of flowers and a sash and tell you you’re the prettiest, everyone likes you,  and you get the heart throb guy, get married, have 2.5 children and a dog and live happily ever after in the suburbs forever and ever amen??? Isn’t that the Game of Life? Well then, let’s play. And I will beat you! Beat you…at the game…of life? Yeah, I guess that’s what some people try to do. It doesn’t cross those people’s minds that there is any other way. 

As I got older, I went through a decent transformation and became all about being skinny, blonde, fashionable (yes, Dior and Manolo Blahnik), and fabulous. I was (as one of the drag queens told me) the Carrie Bradshaw of Columbia, SC! Ha! But as I am looking around in my 20’s, I didn’t have a fun and fearless female foursome to brunch and goss and shop with. I had never had a girls night. I had mostly gay male friends. And one lesbian friend. But I didn’t have a girl group! Whyyyyyyy??? 

Oh yeah, because I spent too much time into myself and being pretty and thin, and honestly, like a Stepford Wife. But, I still regarded females as competition of one sort or another. It never dawned on me that I wasn’t just stuck trying to win my reality based version of the Game of Life. And I had somehow become a Regina. 

As I’ve since gotten past the 20’s, I’ve started something different and I don’t remember when it happened or why. I just decided to change that. Maybe it’s because I’ve found my soul mate and married him, and I’m not threatened by other women. Or maybe it’s because teaching burlesque to women helped me raise my self esteem and build other women up by being vulnerable together finding our inner sexy beasts!  I don’t know, but I decided to stop treating women as competition. And it has been beautiful! Regina George had to get hit by a bus to finally gain perspective on things. She channeled her competitiveness into sports. I feel like I had to get hit by my own figurative bus to be able to knock the competitive streak out of me. But I just made a conscious decision to let that part of me go. I just don’t participate in competition anymore. 

I have so many female friends in my life in my 30’s. And my favorite thing to do is make other ladies feel good about themselves! I have a theory that if a woman told another woman her ass looked fabulous, that woman would take that comment way more seriously than if it came from a man! I would think it was the best thing ever if a woman complimented my ass if I knew it wasn’t BS. (Not “I love you bracelet, where’d you get it?” Shade.)

As I move out of old bad habits, and start newer, healthier ones, I have to call attention to this. It has changed my outlook on life completely. It has changed my approach to my job. It has changed my levels of depression and anxiety. And it is my greatest source of inspiration.

It’s a good thing, too. I have a daughter now. That puts things into perspective! My older child is a son, and I never even had to think about some of these issues while parenting him for the last 9 years. But, it’s scary when you see your child repeat behaviors of yours that are less than savory! I have seen him do many things that I know I inadvertently taught him. I always think about that old commercial “I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!” I can only try to be cognizant of these things so my daughter learns by example. I’m on a mission to make it known to my daughter that other girls are not competition. I hope she’ll grow up to be more like Cady at the end of the movie, giving out a piece of her crown and a compliment to girls from every walk of life. And I think we should all strive to be like that so the younger generations learn by EXAMPLE.   

“I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school… I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy…”

SHE DOESNT EVEN GO HERE!

I just have a lot of feelings. 😊

CHALLENGE: Theory of Body Issue Relativity

I am about to do something that scares the ever-living shit out of me. I’m going to end the war between me and my body. Better yet, I have been at war for too long, and I’m ready to win this damn thing. I’m armed with the big stuff this time. 

 

When I talk about body issues, most people say something like “You? Why?! I think you look great.” As if there were no reason for me to feel that way. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Everyone has their own personal comfort zone. It’s not one-size-fits-all. I used to want to punch that teeny-tiny friend (we all have at least one) who keeps complaining about how fat he/she is. I felt like, “If you think YOU’RE fat, then what does that make ME?!” But, one day, a tiny dancer friend of mine broke it down. 

Body issues are relative. 

They are not limited to people who are  legitimately overweight, and there is no cutoff to say who is or isn’t allowed to feel “fat.” So, maybe for her, a size 4 is her discomfort zone. Maybe for you, size 4 feels like it could’ve been your birthweight! My point is, people of all shapes and sizes are out there feeling like shit about themselves at times. I am one of those people. OK, I’m one of those people 90% of the time. 

 

I grew up dancing, and when I hit my 20’s I got serious about it and started working professionally. This instilled a competitiveness in me. I was constantly striving to be thinner, prettier, and more flexible than not only the women around me, but the person in the mirror each day. I worked jobs where my weight was maintained as part of my contract. I was constantly scrutinizing every part of myself in the mirror every day, and fearing unemployment if I didn’t maintain this ridiculously high standard. At many points in my life, I was dancing multiple shows per day, 6 days a week on a diet of coffee and cigarettes. I was so weak, I would get head rushes every time I stood up. But that competitive drive to push past and keep the show going stayed with me, even after I left the entertainment biz. The last time I was anorexic was about 2 years ago. I was a 34-year-old woman, not a teenager, and not a professional dancer. This mentality would not go away. It is still in there today. 

Here she is:   In my last post, I mentioned that I recently had a baby. I am four months post-partum, and struggling hard. I gained 70lbs during my pregnancy. I was heavier than I wanted to be when I got pregnant. I don’t own a scale, but the last time I was weighed, I had lost 30lbs since my baby came outta there. So, I still have 40-50lbs I would like to lose to get me back to where I feel ok about myself. Some days I wonder if I’ll ever actually feel sexy. I surely didn’t, even when I was skeletal, so how can I now?

Well, I’m going to try a different approach. I did this once before, in what I call my “post-divorce gym rat phase.” I’m going to try and do things right. I’m scared shitless! I am impatient. I will want to give up and just stop eating altogether. But, I need to channel my competitive warrior spirit into something other than deprivation and going to the dark side. I need to commit to eating clean (which is how I’ve lost what I have), and training again. I want to prove that I can do this. I need to prove it to myself, but I also want to show others this journey of healing is possible, and anyone who wants to come with me is absolutely welcome! I loves me some company! 

I’ve already committed to clean eating. It’s not a diet. I hate the term “lifestyle change,” because I hear DIET there too. So, I just say that’s how I live now. There is no “I can’t eat that.” Now I say “I don’t eat that.” I am supporting myself in deliberate choices, not depriving myself. I can eat what I want, I’m just choosing not to eat shit on any type of regular basis! Note: I give myself one cheat day a week so that if I want pizza or a burger, I can enjoy. I don’t make a habit of it now. But I’m past the point where I even want to. It’s business time!

 

So, here’s what I’m going to do. Post pictures. I won’t call them a “before” picture. I’ll call it a “now” picture. Because I need to find things to love about my body in its current form. I see someone in the mirror right now that I don’t recognize as being mySelf. I’m stretched out, distorted, dimpled, and discolored. I will even post pictures of my butt, which has been a source of hatred for so many years! My husband loves it, but I hate it. And I need to stop hating it. It’s just where I am right now. I’m not the skinny girl on the burlesque poster right now. And I’m ok with that some days. Fact is, she was sick. Today, I am not. I’m healthy and capable of change. I want my kids to see me and my husband as active and fit people, so that hopefully, it’ll become a way of life for them too! 

I think the first step is to be brave and VAG UP! (That’s a thing now. Make it happen, folks.) I need to become vulnerable and not deny where I am right now. I need to accept my body in its current state. I fought really hard to bring this baby to life. I deserve to feel amazing after that traumatic experience! 

 

I would like to start a body love challenge. Wanna join me? I dare you. I triple-dipple-dog-dare you to post photos of yourself in your current state. I’m actually not scared. I’ve said way worse things to myself than anyone else could say about me. But I feel like this is where the journey should start. With honesty. 

So…here goes nothin’!!  😖

(Notice how I took these with no makeup on, in the kids’ bathroom and baby’s bedroom to get the full mom effect!)

 

  

 

This was excruciating. Especially seeing a picture of my butt. It has been a long time since I’ve seen a picture of it. And it looks very different now. I kinda want to cry.

However, there it is. And now, I must love it and move forward. No more hiding from others or myself. Hopefully, I’ll get enough support to continue on this journey, and eventually post a host of photos when I’m in great shape and fully in love with myself and my body and my life. Yes, when I have won the war!! Join my battalion!!

The YOU You May Not See

Today’s goal is to shift the way we view Self. Typically, we see that person in the mirror. We see pictures of our outer appearance, and maybe even like them. More often than not, though, we are critical of these reflections and this can lead to only seeing our physical state. It’s almost as if no one even takes a bad photo anymore. If we don’t like the way we look, we can just erase it and take a new one. Or we can photoshop the crap out of it until we look how we think we should. But why do we think we should look or be any different than how we are? It’s impossible to see how you would look through the eyes of someone who loves you. But, that’s what I’m going to start trying, and you should too!
How many times have you abused yourself emotionally? Beaten yourself up about the way you look or act? Blamed yourself for not being the best? Have you ever looked in the mirror and hated your reflection? Maybe didn’t even recognize yourself?

It’s because what you see from inside yourself, is just that. A reflection.

But I’d venture to guess there’s probably someone who cared about you or loved you even though you really didn’t care for yourself at that time. Ever wonder what they saw?

Maybe it’s the way you lit up while watching a concert. Maybe it’s the peaceful way you look while sleeping. Maybe it’s the way your arms feel when you hug them. Or that funny face you make when you play an instrument. Or the energy you fill them with when you’re in their presence. Or the passion you have that’s almost as if they can see the flames in your eyeballs when you talk about someone/something you love. Or the pure joyousness when you’re laughing so hard it’s like happiness is seeping from your soul. Or your look of determination during a hard workout. Or the look of pure loving care and understanding you give them.

These are the little things we don’t get the pleasure of seeing in ourselves. So the next time you want to judge yourself, stop. Because as much as you have to live with yourSelf and in yourSelf…you don’t really know YOU.
It’s not fair to judge a book by its cover, right? So why do you rationalize that it’s fair to judge yourself?

So I’m gonna try to start being conscious of the “bigger picture” ME. I wouldn’t take that kind of emotional abuse from anyone else, and I won’t take it from mySelf! You shouldn’t either. It’s the little things that make you fall in love. So lets try to see the little things about ourSelves as much as we can. And let’s fall in love!

~M

Surveillance, Self Consciousness, Social Media, and Your Lazy Ass

Time to board the blog train again! Not too much to report. Life has been a lot of “same shit, different day.” Which is good sometimes. But, too much mundane can turn us into exhausted robots just going through the motions, and not truly enjoying our lives. Sometimes we find ourselves, not as a rolling river, but a mere babbling brook; or even worse, a stagnant puddle. It’s so easy to get stuck, and seems quite impossible to get unstuck! Perception is key at this point. Regard this as part of a cycle of natural balance, and you’ll realize you’re an arrow that has to be pulled backwards pretty hard if it is to be propelled forward.

Seems easy enough, right? Yeah, not always.

Through this blog, and many other things in life, I’ve realized that helping others heal is a definite calling for me. All that I’ve experienced in my own healing journey, and a lot of which I have documented here, has led me to a decision. I am now studying to become a certified life and wellness coach. So, I’m taking what I’m learning and coaching myself. I’m always better at leading others to the best of things, but let’s face it…most of the time, I’m a wreck and a storm and a mess. So, “I’m starting with the [wo]man in the mirror.”

So, in looking at the parts of my life that aren’t ideal, I started studying motivation. Mostly, because I’ve been chronically lazy. I blamed it on stress and exhaustion from being overworked. But, I felt like that was a surface excuse, and that there was something deeper causing this. My quest: to find whatever the cause is, and obliterate it! KABOOM!!!
But what I actually found was purely fascinating. And not sure it can be blown apart so easily. Let me break it down for ya…

I started researching human motivation. Why do we do whatever it is we do? On a basic level, motivation is either extrinsic or intrinsic. Extrinsic motivation is something external, like an award, a high score, a good grade, or a paycheck.
Intrinsic motivation is something that comes from within. This type of motivation just lurks in our inner desires; for instance, our need for human connection and social belonging, autonomy and personal freedom, mastery and learning, or purpose and meaning.
For me, right now, connection and belonging are my main motivators. So I decided to dig deeper. And that’s when I found a very life-changing article. I would post it here, but the link I read said ‘for personal use only.’ If you’d like the link, please contact me, as it is a fascinating read. I’d be glad to direct you there.

“Intrinsic motivation and the effects of self-consciousness, self-awareness, and ego-involvement: An investigation of internally-controlling styles.”
Plant, R. W., & Ryan, R. M. (1985).
That seemed to be exactly what I was looking for!
To summarize, this was a study about how your level of self-consciousness affects intrinsic motivation. Basically, that individuals who are publicly self conscious are not as intrinsically motivated as those who are only privately self-conscious. And more than that, if the individual was aware that they were under surveillance, they were even less motivated to perform the task they were given.
Breaking it down even more, this went on to point out that publicly self-conscious people view themselves as a social object, and their behavior was influenced by projected external conditions and expectations. Those with social anxiety were the same, but more focused on the way they perceive or expect that others think of them. Privately self-conscious folks focus more on their own motives and perceptions, and their behavior is influenced more by their own values and interests. These individuals had increased intrinsic motivation, even under surveillance.

Yes, there’s a conclusive theory. You ready?

In this age of social media and real life 1984 Big Brother NSA madness, we are collectively becoming more publicly self conscious. And we are all probably feeling like Rockwell (“Somebody’s Watching Me?” Anyone?) We are creating public profiles, telling people way too much, editing our lives, interrupting time with loved ones to pull out our phones because we just have to know if someone “liked” what we said or commented on our post. We are chronicling our every move and its almost as if we want people to stalk us. We are becoming social objects. It’s not a healthy path. On a personal level, I felt like I’d get so much done if I deleted my Facebook app. Well, that went a lot deeper than I imagined! I just meant I’d be bored and probably have no choice but to do something else! But this? I’d literally increase my intrinsically motivational chances if I wasn’t so focused on what I’m putting out on social media or the universe in general and what other people think or have to say about it? Worth a try.

So that’s the first step for me. I have some deep issues there. Being a performer, I’ve always held myself to a very high standard, aesthetically. Because deep down, I’m terrified. I’m scared to death someone would think I shouldn’t be prancing around a stage with boobs that small, or cellulite that obvious, or love handles, or pooch muffin top. But I have to stop this pattern of viewing myself (and probably others) as an object. I have to finally stop caring about what other people might be thinking or saying about me. I’d venture to guess what I think they might think of me is mostly made up and inaccurate. And stalking other people only makes this behavior “normal.” So I probably need to stop that, too.

So this weekend, I’m doing a burlesque show. No diet, when I’m much heavier than I’d usually want to be. Hell, I might even take the fishnets off (doubt it)! I am terrified, but it’s time to not give a fuck. (Sorry, Mom for the F-bomb) So, that’s a vulnerable start, but I feel my motivation increasing already!! Or is that fear induced vomit?!
Vulnerability while a crowd of people is watching. I guess that’s a start. Go big, or go home. Hopefully, I’ll find the motivation I currently lack in there somewhere. And this time, it’ll be better, because it’s not attached to any specific outcome. Keep your fingers crossed!

~M

Trapped In the Stigma Closet

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.”
― C. JoyBell C.

I woke up this morning to a slew of blog posts being shared over social media. Some about mental illness, some about gun control, but all about how we need to talk about some things in this country. I read things that made it sound like all murderers are mentally ill. And that all who are mentally ill are capable of murdering. After only a few hours of Internet trolling and reading repost after repost, it seemed like there was a sense of “guns don’t kill people, mentally ill people kill people.” Can you imagine reading this as a person with a mental illness? Well, that’s why there does need to be a dialogue about mental health treatment in this country. Because there are stigmas. And we, with the help of the interwebs and social media are perpetuating the stigma. Hiding in your little Faceplace space behind your little wall, you could be contributing to the stigma. And you need to ask yourself if you are. If you are reading this, most likely, you know me. Hopefully, this will get around to people who don’t, but sometimes you have to start with your own back yard.

You have a friend with a mental illness.

I am going to come out of the stigma fear closet now. I’m not afraid of what people might think anymore.

I have been suicidally depressed since I was about 14. I hid it from everyone. I would write letters about wanting to die. My mother found one once and I was mortified. I met my Gusband when I was 16. I hid it from him until I was 24. I still hide it from people. From friends and family and boyfriends. Until I can’t hide it anymore. Until it gets so bad I have to call them in despair because I held it in for too long.

If all we see is that people assume you are an insane murderer when you cop to having a mental illness of any kind, there will be mentally ill people hiding everywhere, afraid to break the stereotype.

I learned in my late 20’s that if I sought treatment, I got pills. And counseling or therapy was too expensive. I felt helpless because I couldn’t afford to treat this, monetarily or otherwise. The choice is a lifetime of medication which I think feels like “Weekend At Bernie’s-where you are the star” or stop eating the bullshit sandwich this country is feeding us and find alternative ways to heal. I don’t want to play the role of pharmaceutical industry’s bitch. Not in this lifetime.

In my quest to heal, I’ve found lots of modalities that can be very helpful. And the more I look, the more I find. But I am searching alone. I spend countless nights on tons of websites and watching YouTube videos. I consider some really unconventional treatments. I drive myself crazy trying to figure out how I can be less crazy.
I’ve come to also hate the word crazy. It’s part of the stigma! And I use it to refer to myself.

So in an attempt to break the stigma, we have to break the silence. I go back and forth on gun control and do agree that there needs to be a dialogue about that. But my blog isn’t really a vehicle for that. To assume someone murdered because of mental illness is only speculation. I will say that I’d hope it would be hard for anyone with mental disorders to obtain a firearm. Not only for the murdering others reason, but for the murdering our own selves one. Many people live with pain you can’t see that is unbearable. They hide it from others. And that is what isolates them from the rest of society. You’d never know it. That doesn’t mean they want to kill anyone.

So if you need a face to put with mental illness and break the cycle of stigmas and fear, I will gladly volunteer. Now you know someone who deals with it. Sometimes very well. Sometimes not so well. I’m doing fabulously utilizing acupuncture to stay balanced. But it’s not doing anyone, myself included, any service to keep quiet about my story.

So I’ll leave you with this:

My face.
I am a depressed single mother with attention deficit issues who is recovering from an eating disorder.

I refuse to take pills for this.

I refuse to hide.

I am not crazy.

I don’t want to kill anyone.

THERE IS NO NORMAL.
If more people weren’t afraid, that would be ideal. If you’re dealing with issues like this, share them. If you’re not, you know someone who is. Stop engaging in behavior that might make someone scared to share their story. Help us. Hold our hand. Do the research with us. Go to our doctor visits. Go on websites and YouTube. Educate yourself about what your friend may be going through. Talk to them about it. Because it’s lonely out here. And we need all the help we can get. And all the support. And all the laughs. That’s better than drugs any day.

Now you know. Circulate it. Repost it. Share it. Encourage others to.
That is democracy. Put it out there by the people, for the people.

Infinity First Dates

Do you have a top movie list? You know, those movies you could watch a billion times and never get sick of? I think it’s safe to say most of us do. The funny thing is, the movies contained in these lists aren’t always prophetic, or Best Picture Oscar winners. They are often times movies that strike a chord in our hearts or funny bones. Most movies in my list are admittedly comedies, or feel-good flicks. Case in point: Mrs. Doubtfire. That movie cracks me up so hard, it has been near the top of my list for over a decade! Robin Williams in drag isn’t something I would consider the funniest thing on earth, or of much importance, but other elements of the movie bring it all together for me. I even love the soundtrack and can hear it in my head as I write this.
Sometimes, when a circumstance in your life happens, it can make you see one of your favorite movies in a different light. With that one, it became more touching and dear to me after divorce. You can find yourself identifying with a part of the story you may never have before. It feels like a whole new experience. And sometimes, you feel rather silly for never seeing that element before.

I had an experience like that with a movie last night, and I’d like to share.

I am not really much on chick-flicks, unless it’s hormone induced and I just need a good uterine-fueled cry with a hint of hope. But, one of my top movies has always been 50 First Dates. It stars Adam Sandler as Henry, and Drew Barrymore as Lucy. Without giving too much away for those who haven’t seen it, it’s about a girl who sustained temporal lobe damage after a car accident, causing her to lose her short term memory. And, about how a guy tries to make her fall in love with him. Thing is, with a few exceptions of things she remembers long term, Lucy wakes up every morning with the slate wiped clean. No memory of the day before. So her family puts on a charade of repetition to make her feel comfortable. Until Henry comes along. He will stop at nothing to make her fall in love with him every day. Some days it works, some not so much. But the ultimate goal is for Henry to become part of her long term memory.
A part of this movie entered my brain about a week ago. See, because I am an emotional non-eater who can’t stand to eat in front of people, I realized there was one person that I feel safe with. One person I have no problem calling up for lunch and stuffing my face in front of. It made me think of the part in the movie where Lucy is belting out a song she thinks no one is listening to and her father comments to Henry that she only sings on days when she “meets” him. Some people just spark the Force. Some people inspire us on levels deeper than we realize. Some people make us sing/eat/cook.

The way I watched the movie changed. I identified with Lucy on a level I never have. And I saw a message in this movie that I never have. I have, at times, run away from people and situations because I can require a lot of care and love. I have never wanted to be a burden on anyone, so I go through periods of time where I force myself into isolation because of that. But the message in this story became very clear last night as I was trying to be all nonchalant about my tears.

We should all approach love and relationships like Henry Roth. No matter what, we should be trying to make our person fall in love with us every day. Whether it’s someone new, or someone you’ve been with for 50 years. And we must be willing to never give up. We are all part Lucy, and part Henry. We all want that one somebody who sees past our issues and still wants to love the good parts. But we aren’t always willing to BE that person. We must BE Henry too.
We all have good days and bad days.
Maybe we should approach it more like this: try to forget what happened yesterday. Wipe your own slate clean every morning and start over. If something goes sour and you have a shitty day, then you’ve only lost one day. In the morning you have another chance to find out how to make it work. This goes for life, love, and relationships of any kind.

 

Also, don’t forget to be like Henry to yourself. Every day. Make yourself fall in love with you over and over every day. And don’t give up!
~M

Total Eclipse of the Lottery

“The universe doesn’t give you what you ask for with your thoughts – it gives you what you demand with your actions.”
― Steve Maraboli

A few days ago, there was a full moon lunar eclipse. This particular moon was called the Beaver moon, which made me giggle more than I should publicly admit. This eclipse was following a period called Mercury in retrograde. For those of you who do not follow astrology, when Mercury is in retrograde, it typically causes a phase of what could be best described as general ass-backwardness. I personally feel a stagnation, like being stuck in a whirlpool, or more appropriately, a storm drain! Many folks experience trouble with electronics and automobiles. In this case, it was followed by an eclipse of a full moon. We all know what full moons can feel like. But what about eclipses?
An eclipse is a moment of perfect alignment. So, coming on the wake of our chaotic retrograde period, the eclipse is when things finally line up, and we feel like things are going in the right direction again. A good visualization for this is the moment you look at the tire on a moving car and it looks like the wheels are going backwards, even though the car is not. That’s mercury retrograde. The moment your eyes adjust and process the actual direction of tire movement is the eclipse. Then you view the car and the tires moving in the same direction.
The tires are your mind, your perception. The car is your life. The hammer is my penis. (Sorry for that last one. Inside joke for those who have seen Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog)
The eclipse is a moment that can be a very powerful catalyst for change. One of my favorite sayings is appropriate here:

SHIFT HAPPENS

I have a little sign that pops up every now and then to remind me to be grateful. To tap into the universe and receive energy from it. To keep my eyes and ears open for other signs. And I find them, follow them, and find more. It’s like the Universe is sending me on a scavenger hunt! But I find lessons and connections with people and gifts of a less material nature. And this shift started happening for me in the days before the eclipse. So I kept my eyes and ears open. I started having precognitive dreams. You know, where you dream something and it pops up in real life the next day. In this case, the phrase “getting your ducks in a row” popped up. So, I took it as a sign that I need to put my own life matter into alignment. The Universe can’t do all of the work. You have to use the force. You never heard Obi-Wan tell Luke to let the force use him. Jussayin.
So I followed the flow on eclipse day, and it also happened to be a very large Powerball jackpot day too. My inner monologue while at the gas station went something like this: “Hmm. Things are flowing so strongly and so right that maybe I should buy a lottery ticket. Hmmm. But I’ve never done that and don’t really know how it works. Hrm. You have to play to win.” And in that exact moment, the cashier asked me if I’d like to buy a ticket. So I did. I felt like the children from Willy Wonka, wondering if mine was the golden ticket! I pondered all day about the laws of attraction, and how I could manifest a large sum of money that would change my life and the lives of those I hold dear. I got misty thinking of how I could help people who have helped me. I guess it’s like coming up with your Oscar speech, just in case.
After more deep thoughts about what I would do with tons of money, I started thinking of why I might deserve it. I’m a good hearted and honest person and love unconditionally with every atom of my soul. I have felt like death here recently, and this jackpot would help me to be reborn.

Then it occurred to me:
I can be reborn any time I choose.
I don’t need money to show people how much they have done for me or how much I love them.
These people are my jackpot.
I’ve already won.

Needless to say, none of my numbers matched. But, I came away with a lovely pile of winnings. Just to be grateful every day for what you do have is a huge gift. And I apply this whole situation to my life. You can’t just always sit around and wait for the Universe to give you a handout. Sometimes, if you’re open, you can follow its signs. But you must be willing to actively participate in the scavenger hunt. Otherwise, you’ll never find what is destined to be yours. No matter how strong your powers of attraction are, you have to be willing to meet half way.
Meet people halfway.
Meet the Universe halfway.
Meet yourself half way.
You will find the metaphorical pot of gold right in your own backyard.
Or right inside of your own Self.
And that’s the real jackpot.

 

And you don’t have to waste money on a ticket! 🙂
~M

Bag Lady Bonfire

Once again, I took a much needed break from bloggerating. And once again, my heart and brain are overflowing with words, wisdoms, unwisdoms, mental imagery, existential ponderings, et al. I realize this when I start posting way too many Facebook statuses, cryptic YouTube posts, tweets, and general text spew. The thoughts have to jump out of my cranium and land somewhere! Then I go, “Oh yeah. I have a blog.”

A little background: in my few months off, I have come to this “empty shell at a crossroads” place. After being abandoned, I guess that is to be expected. I just repressed what happened after I stopped writing. I had no healthy or therapeutic way to release my emotions, so I just pretended they had passed. Fake it til you make it, right? Wrong.
I decided that the best way to start over was to start dating, but in a way I never had. Actually go on dates. With whoever suited my fancy. Friends and family seemed to think this was a great idea, since I’m one of those people that has never been single for more than maybe 6 months. So, I started seeing a couple of people. I thought since in my last situation, I figured out that part of me did still entertain the idea of getting hitched and possibly creating a larger family, that I should look for people who may want the same. I kinda found that in the people I dated. I eventually was asked to be an official couple by more than one fella. I cracked under the pressure and felt I had to make a decision very quickly. So I did.
But what was I supposed to do with all of my leftover feelings? What was I supposed to do with my unresolved relationships and emotional issues? I just shoved them in a mental suitcase and hid them in my emotional attic. But the more you try to stuff in a suitcase, especially once you think it’s zipped up and tightly closed, the zipper will burst and all of those things will come spilling out at once! Like opening a can of biscuits, or taking off a pair of pants that’s way too tight, amirite?
So what do you do if your suitcase is full? I can’t just take my feelings out and donate them to the less fortunate!!

I didn’t want to become a relationship bag lady.

 

No one wants to bring old baggage into something new and beautiful, but it can take a very long time to deal with relationship leftovers. So we jump in, and hope that we can unpack our bags in this new place. If we do, we kinda have to quickly throw out what no longer serves us and maybe keep some things that don’t fit, but we think they might fit again one day. Or we know it’ll never fit, but it’s just too sentimental to throw it away. But if we don’t, we can find ourselves trying to force the same old stuff into fitting who we are now. Yes, I am relating emotions to old clothing. Keep tracking with me…

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could have yard sales or donations of old useless shit that lives in our brain/body/soul?? Just name your price, or hell…haggle with people!
Here’s the reason that doesn’t work. No one wants that shit!! One man’s brain trash is not a treasure to anyone (unless it’s turned into art, maybe). As far as feelings, emotions, scars go…they must be thrown out. Actively sifted through, then let go. If not, you will find yourself transferring what you wanted/needed in past situations onto new ones instead of co-creating brand new wants/needs.

My suitcase overflowed in public. I went to see a musical about a bipolar suicidal mother dealing with loss, meds, and memories. Smart move, right? Oh my no. I took my new guy with me. More no. I cried like I’ve never cried before. Snot. Tissues. Shaking. Audible. Ugly cry. In public. And he saw it all.
I freaked out after that and told him I needed a break because in my mind, I have been the woman in that story. I didn’t want him to be the man. He was too good. I didn’t deserve him!! I’m too messed up!

A counselor friend of mine recently told me that his bipolar patients tend to think their issues are harder for others to handle than anyone else’s. But that in actuality, they aren’t. How many times have you been with someone whose quirks or issues you deal with because you love them? Oh. Yeah. Phooey. Right.

My point is, don’t run away from the person who is willing to hold your hand while you sift through what is no longer serving you. Or rather, realize that there are people who will help you carry your bags, unzip your case, and throw that shit out on the curb where it belongs. Be it friends, lovers, family, colleagues or even strangers. Don’t fear unloading. It’s not up to you what other people can handle. If you keep it in, you’ll emotionally vomit all over whomever is closest to you, eventually. You have to actively liberate yourself of things you can afford to get rid of to make more space for the things you want. This is why I say have a good cry. Release tears to make room for the joy that is imminent!

I’m still learning every day how to balance between not hiding my issues, and bringing them to the foreground. I’ve spun out of control at times. But in those times I have been able to compartmentalize the people in my life and how they might be able to help me lighten my load. Lawd knows I would do the same for any of my people! And I hope they call on me when it’s time to hide the dead bodies, because I will totally be there!! If we don’t have a system of people we can lean on, it will be dumped on one person, or it will be our own heavy burden that will be too heavy to bear.

Don’t underestimate the people in your life. If you do, you run the risk of pushing them away. You run the risk of people thinking they knew you, and realizing you’ve been hiding.

So instead of a yard sale, swap meet, or donation location, I suggest we all go through our emotional suitcases at least seasonally, and throw out the old emotions. Look at what could be your emotional equivalent of “skinny jeans you hope you’d fit into again but secretly know you’d have to reach your birthweight to wear again”(AKA the that-ain’t-never-happenin’ pants) or your “one day these will totally come back in style” articles of emotional clothing. And let’s have a bonfire! We don’t need no water, let the MF burn!!
Because the only way to freedom is letting go.

 

Unzip. Let it rip.
~M